Signing offf

Hey my fellow bloggers though I've been reading blogs i haven't posted in a while and i think its because i feel like i'm not in the same place as everyone else on here. I think I'm just going to take some time off  here. I need to find myself to figure out who i am and what i want. I need to figure out if i want recovery or not. I need a break, I need to do something with my life and I'm not getting the feedback i need on here and i think it might be time to take some time off and see if I really need to be on here or if its triggering me and making me more depressed. If you need anything feel free to message me on here and it'll get forwarded to my email or if you want to keep in contact with me comment and i'll send you my email. Will miss you all *hugs*.

Fleeting Friday

So went for a 5km walk tonight took me 54mins i was happy with the time for sure did a bit of running with the dog during the walk but not for long period of time at all just like short 2mins bursts to help tire her out but i think it made me more tired Maybe sort of was running to make myself sick as well

So mom asked me to make her a cup of tea and upon giving it to her she commented about my neck and the fact that my bones were showing and i just laughed it off but she made me list off what i'd eaten today and how many times kind of fudged a little to make lunch sound better but i don't know why it made me happy and more motivated to do my floor exercises and took me less time than normal probably cause i took a couple of days off but yeah makes me feel good. Does this make me a bad person?

Took my sleeping pills already a little too early but 'm exhausted and don't want a repeat of last night.Want to buy a scale it was advertised for like $15 at one of the stores till quantities last but we already have one at home and April (T) already thinks that i weight to much and that having a scale/weighing daily is dangerous so we'll see if it works out i'll buy one if not I won't. I just want to have one in my room/bathroom so i can weigh whenever instead of only when my parents aren't in the room.

END ...

Irreperably Broken

I apologize in advance for the disrupted nature of this post, it was written at midnight and i was in a very bad state of mind and its long.

************************TRIGS SI/SU/ED****************************

As of today can safely say that there are two major things or triggers that are fueling my ED. The first is the sexual abuse that happened when i was younger, my reaction to it and subsequent actions and my refusal to deal with how its affected and/or affecting me right now. The second would be the recent termination of my first ever serious relationship and the feeling of being used. Both incidents lead me to feeling dirty, disgusting, used and unwanted. Both have had negative impacts in my life and i don't know how to talk about them or deal with them and keep myself safe. I know i don't want to carry this burden around with me forever. I don't want to be this way but whenever i look at myself at my body all i see is disgust. Despite my mom telling me that I'm too skinny, which i don't see it that way at all. Dr. L asked me what it'd take for me to give up my ED and the answer would be when i got to 100lbs my current goal weight.

I feel the weight of the world collapsing in upon me
the words choked in my throat unable to speak
stuck on constant replay images and thoughts float past.

The memories are everywhere.
Names, places, scents all trigger unwanted emotions, thoughts scenes and details replayed daily
stuck in my head analyzing details.
But all I'm left with is it's all my fault.

Told i was too young to understand.
Too young to really do anything.
So why do i feel so dirty?
so used, untouchable and damaged?

I am broken and irreplaceable.
Shattered to pieces never to be put back together
watch me drown in the sorrows that is my life.

I've been burdened with this secrete.
Burdened with images and thoughts. All i feel is pain and sorrow,
all i want is to end it all

My ED is my shield,
protecting me from emotions and pain ,
without it i am simply broken and used. With it I'm still broken and used but I'm SN
I'm ME with my ED I am human, somewhat whole

To tell you the truth i don't know what I'm doing with my life. Feels like i have no direction no plan and its just yeah. I'm completely lost and scared. At a loss for what to do, who to turn to because no one knows . Days are fine but nights sometimes i feel like I'm fighting to stay alive, fighting to stay safe and be okay. There are nights like tonight where i want to end it all I can't say the thought and feelings of hopelessness don't scare me but its keeping me alive right now and i guess that's what matters?Thoughts of slitting my wrists and/or drowning are back in my head.Love my parents but how do you tell them that their only daughter is slowly killing herself and she is broken beyond repair? Damaged goods so to speak. I am human, somewhat whole, but irreparably broken.

Nervous but better

I'm going much better than i was a few days ago nights are still very hard for me, my mood drops, i get depressed and suicidal, wanting to cut so yeah not good. But days are usually fine, been a bit spaced out today stopped at a traffic light that was green cause i thought it was a stop sign. Not good to be driving when i'm this spaced out. so yeah blahh. Tired not sleeping all that deep but getting better nights sleep. Will take my anxiety pills in the next couple of hrs to help with the nerves, only 2days till my T appt. Its 4.00pm on Wed so have to be out of the house by 3.30 cause i'm not familiar with the area at all so yeah have to make up some excuse as to what i'll be doing there, so we'll say meeting a friend just don't know if i'm going to give specifics. I'm tired and fighting ED but its winning right now and so tempted to just give in and collapse into its arms but am keeping to fight. Telling myself to just breathe and things will be ok but nerves are getting to me so have to up my anxiety meds from one a day to two. Was a mess when grades got released but took anxiety meds so it wasn't visible outside and hopefully that will be the same way on wed. Tips on how to releax on what to say how to bring things up anything is totally welcome and greatly appreicated. 

Thanks to all my readers and to those who comment as well big hugs for all :)