Dog Sitting + Homework= Complete fail

Dog sitting for about a week and its seriously hampering my ability to focus and get things done. Super tired and stressed out and the Dog bit me today, my own fault should have just left her alone when she got aggravated but was worried about her paws :(.... To more important new, i bought a new pill yesterday it gives me major heart burn but its supposed to help with weight loss, while forming lean muscle mass, so that means i took a total of 6 pills today. Wow i swear I'm becoming a pill addict. Two Diuretics, Two Lean + pills, and Two laxatives (spread out throughout the day), but still that's a shit load of unnecessary pills to take. Tired need to go read for class so have to put the dog in her cage now, shes  passed out on the floor neways, so shouldn't be too much of a problem for her..... Have to be up at 7am to take her to the bathroom so yeah, need to really stop typing get up and do what i need to before i have to go to bed.... Will post more tomorrow hopefully and maybe i'll post something more interesting and maybe a picture of my Dog.. Night all, hope you're doing ok.

Busy Friday

Spent most of today getting things done to help my mom prepare for her trade show week. This meant cooking, lifting boxes, carrying boxes, packing and then unpacking boxes and standing from 6-11pm. I'm exhausted, been up since 8am and need to be up by 6am tomorrow to get there by 7am to finish setting up, we have till 1pm and we still have a lot to do so yeah not fun at all. I think i'm dehydrated as well which is not good, but w/e will try drinking some water tonight but i hate having to get up to use the bathroom in the night esp when i'm on my period, anyways its currently 1.16am over here and i need to attempt to sleep so i think i shall have to say goodnight and will post more tomorrow

Uneventful Thursday

Today has been uneventful, was supposed to try and eat normally today but gave that idea up when i stepped on the scale, but figured the weight gain is from my period and bloating because of my period and the fact that i had just eaten. I'm tired and a bit nauseous and serious cramps because of my period which sucks. Other than that i'm ok nothing special happened today turned in one assignment have to work on another one, tonight and Saturday. Emailed my T yesterday and haven't gotten a response back, but i think she might be away till Tuesday of next week. My mood is pretty low, and I'm feeling sad, really feel like cutting but can't, yeah don't know just feeling very depressed and annoyed and just hating being home i guess and eating. esp eating.

Wretched Wed

So after my high from my appointment i crashed and now my mood is beyond low. Didn't sleep well at all last night, and i don't know just kept thinking about how much of a failure i was cause i wasn't able to do the complete set of Push-ups and crunches i usually do, partly because i was so tired but also my arms just wouldn't let me, i spent like 2hrs making dough yesterday and that involves a lot of kneading, and it takes a lot out of your arms *sigh*... Anyways i woke up in a very bad mood, and I'm feeling very very sad, and just listening to depressing music. I was thinking last night in between strings of consciousness how much self-hatred i have for myself, how much i hate my body and the way i see myself. Its been a long time coming, a long time brewing, but I've just never felt attractive. I used to be such a skinny small kid when i was growing up and I'm just not that person anymore, esp since i hut puberty, i mean I'm lower than when i was when i hit puberty but its just not enough .....

Sometimes i feel like that image that idea i had about myself was well simply a dream. Like i have this unattainable unreachable goal in my head.  When i was talking to my T yesterday about wanting to be a certain weight, she was thinking it was like 2-3lbs at most and I was like  look K, its not 1 or 2lbs its 18lbs of weight that is a lot, and she was like yes that is a lot. And she was like and you think you can achieve this weight w/o doing physical harm to yourself or your body? And i was like yeah, she disagrees but all medical professionals would but w/e right? its my body my life.... thought at times it feels like i'm living in a dream world, just going through the motions .....

I'm just i don't know, sad, and depressed, and i know a lot has to do with how much i have to get done tonight but still.... i was just thinking today how much time i spend thinking about food, about calories, about trying to burn them, about how much space my ED takes in my life, how much time i spend thinking about very insignificant things in my life. Sometimes on days like today i just want to curl up in bed and just never get up, i just want to escape from the world and be in my own little world. Where i can be perfect, where things don't matter, and just where life seems to be much better than it is now.

But of course thats not possible. I have to get up every day and pretend like everything is ok. Like i'm not living in a constant state of hell, like i don't have all this self-hatred for myself, like going to the gym and running so hard is not an attempt to punish myself and my body in other ways apart from cutting. The only thing stopping me form cutting right now is the scars, most of them have faded but i can still see them cause i know where i cut and i have to go home tomorrow so that isn't even an option right now. I just really hate life right now, and i'm just pushing through, just stumbling from day to day, living in the moment or trying to as everything passes me by, as time seems to tick along, day in day out, going tick tock, tick, tock.....  There are days where i just feel like this....

And today is one of those days.... just feeling so broken and defeated. So tired, bruised and abused and i know a lot of the abuse has to do with the way i treat my body, and the things I'm doing to it because of my ED. One day I'd like to wake up and be happy, to not be in pain, to not have chest pains or a headache, and to just be you know.... Enough whining....

Lyric of the Day comes from one of the songs on my player but it described how i'm feeling right now....

I will not Bow - Breaking Benjamin

Fall!

Now The dark begins to rise, save your breath it's far from over

Leave the lost and dead behind, nows your chance to run for cover

I don't want to change the world, I just want to leave it colder

Light the fuse and burn it up, take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again, but I'm not giving in

I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break

I Will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

Fall!

Watch the end from dying eyes, now the dark is taking over

Show me where forever dies

Take the fall and run to heaven

All is lost again but I'm not giving in

I will not bow, I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid I have lost the will to change

And I am not proud, cold blooded, fake

I will shut the world away

I will not bow, I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid

I have lost the will to change and I am not proud, cold blooded, fake

I will shut the world away

Fall!

Shitty Night

Did not end well, binged after dinner... took laxatives so hopefully won't gain, i know I'm taking them too often but w/e, i don't really care, Thursday is going to be a fast till dinner, I'll allow myself my usual cup of hot chocolate and if I'm feeling dizzy then I'll also add some crystal light to water. I know its good i ate, but i really don't want to be eating when I'm not hungry as it pisses me off. My chest is still hurting, I'm tired so I've got nothing done and i have soo soo much to do... shoot me now please, can i just disappear from this hell that is called life?? I think sometimes the smaller i get the easier it will be to disappear to be less visible, to be even less noticed... sigh.. too tired to even do my usual crunches=fail

Quick Update

Today is ok, nothing special happened. Talked to my T and we went way over time lol like 1/2 more than normal, neways i explained a lot to her, how i felt about certain things and just how my dr was really not hearing me, and not listening to me. I expressed how i felt about my weight and part of the reason why i wanted to lose so much weight  and it felt good. to admit that i wasn't ok and that things were spiraling out of control and to explain why they were. She's concerned about me but not to the point where she feels the need to talk to my psych about me yet, so that's always a good sign cause it means i can pick and choose what i tell her. My session today with my T made me realize why i keep seeing her and that's because she can be a really good listener and she pushes me to explain things, she asks for clarification when she's not sure she heard me right and she challenges me to want to get better. She questions and calls me out on my need for control while still asserting that it is out of concern for me and my low intake and my body than anything else. In short it was nice to get everything out, it was good to talk, to not hold it in any longer and now i feel like I'm free of this dirty little secrete that I've been carrying around with me. I'm still going to be restricting and over exercising and restricting, but now i know someone knows, and I almost feel like the responsibility is no longer mine lol, she can do w/e she wants with the information but its like i don't have to hold it all in anymore. Sorry for the ramble but yeah in a good mood tonight, even if my ex is being a fucking asshole about coming to collect something as simple as a firkin toaster *rolls eyes* men pffttt..... but I've decided to let it go nothing can ruin my good mood today. *knock on wood lol*

Rest of Monday

So the rest of today went ok. Went to the gym, didn't get as much done as i wanted but i just was physically incapable of doing it then, so i allowed myself to not to my usual floor work which was fine. Came home showered and went out for dinner (burger and onion rings) made some lunch for tomorrow which i may not eat thinking it might be a liquid fast till dinner, not quite sure yet as i'm staying late in school. Then made 1/2 a cake will make the other half tomorrow, its like a sponge cake that i'm going to fill the middle w/ Jam and whipped cream, its super unhealthy but its my one indulgence as i've been craving sweets a lot and its getting close to my period so i need something unhealthy hehe. Anyways rest of the day went fine i guess, not much else happened, did my 100 crunches and push-ups(on knees), the push-ups seem to be the hardest. Will attempt to go to bed now, have my appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon, will let you know how that goes. Back is hurting me, as well as my arms, not feeling dizzy anymore but that's been replaced with a sore throat and constant chest pains.. oh well such is life when you have an ED....

Sucky Mondays

What a way to start my week. Woke up tired, sick and moody. Can't stand to be around people today or to be in classes, very frustrated and tired and weak, there has been a few time today where i thought my knees were going to buckle on me. Drinking Juice, had drunk hot chocolate today but neither one of those things seem to be having much effect. Also so from all the push-ups and crunches I've been doing. Hurts to cough because my stomach muscles are sore but hoping they will go away with time. To top i all off i'm freezing cold.. i mean its cold here neways but i'm even colder than usual...... fml..... i don't want to be here this week and can't wait till it comes to an end cause its a shitty school week full of assignments

First Impressions

Hello my fellow bloggers, first of all i just wanted to say thank you to all those who follow me and an extra special thanks for everyone who leaves comments. It's nice to see other reading and commenting. I just realized that to many of you i may come off as this whiny depressed kid, and let me tell you that is definitely not who i am. Well first of all i'm not kid, as i'm currently 21 so i guess I'm technically a young adult, so a young woman, but that's a debate for another day lol. I just wanted to say this, there are a lot of things that i am thankful for in my life, and i've been through a lot over the years and I've had to move so many times in my life (with both good and bad experiences) but i'm very thankful for everything my parents have done for me in my life and all the sacrifices they have had to make on our behalf and i don't grudge them at all for the decisions they made at the time. But this last year has been really hard for me, with a major relationship ( my first real relationship on more than one level or rather in more than one way) and it hurt, and i'm still trying to heal from that. Also I've been cursed with a pretty good memory when it comes to remembering things that are insignificant and I'm very good at memorizing or remembering exact words and sentences people used in conversation, but the really important stuff, all the childhood memories, for the most part for me are all blured. I had a great childhood for the most part but i was SA by a couple of my cousins when i was younger and the negative reaction of my mom when she found out has left some irreversible damage and  i don't blame her for reacting the way she did because the way she found out was complicated and she didn't get the full picture until the day after she reacted. What's my point in this post?? Well I'm a fun loving person usually, but right now I'm just buried under a shit load of depression and anger and frustrating and ED, so my cherry normal self isn't showing up. I shall try to maybe discuss some less heavy subjects sometimes, maybe crack a joke here and there and just make this blog a true reflection of who i am rather than my "dark side"

Terryfyingly Strange Night

So had the strangest dream last night. Didn't sleep very well, but i think it was because of the pill i took yesterday. I'm still getting used to having that much caffeine in my system so i didn't sleep at all and then i had a really scary dream. I dreamt that i had lost so much weight that my parents sent me IP. I cried and tried to get out of it, but they wouldn't budge, and i was terrified, it was my last semester in university and i didn't want to screw up my chance of graduating. I didn't think that i could simply defer a whole semester and i didn't want to not graduate in April... and the ED place didn't have any way for me to complete my education while IP, and strangely enough they never weighed me, neither did they ever weigh me, and i went home at one point and came back and i wanted to switch to one closer to school, and my dad was in support of me but my mom was not, and yeah nevertheless to say it was not a pleasant dream and now i'm scared that its a sign of something that's going to happen.... Been binging all day, will take a laxative soon, can't stand that this may be in my body for the rest of the day... need to buy more soon... Hate being home (parents house) on the weekend, my whole diet goes out the window... trying not to purge today because of my chest but we'll see

Water pills are pills which tell the kidneys to express sodium from the body, causing an excretion of excess water as well. They are more properly known as diuretics. I don't take  them consistently cause they mess u up lol, they affect sleep if you take them too late so i'm trying to stagger them (one pill contains more caffeine than i would normally take). What do you mean by the liquid one?? If there is a liquid version and  its better or less dangerous i don't mind switching.... 


My tongue is a bit swollen, not sure if its dehydration or from purging or eating something hot... will have some ice cream when my mom goes up... although its fattening hoping it will help with the swelling of the throat and tongue. Does anyone get these symptoms after purging?

It's Working!!

So i weighed myself tonight and i'm down to 128.5 from the 133 i weighed on the home scale last weekend so w/e i must be doing is finally paying off. I had dinner tonight a normal amount and then i purged and now my chest hurts even more than before. This is day two of purging after dinner. Its like why do i even bother to eat normally when i know i'll purge because i feel too full and uncomfortable. Oh well at least i've lost weight that's what matters right?

I think i might have hurt my ribs, it hurts when i purge, had to stop myself cause it was hurting so much... its ok now but i also noticed that i was hurting when i was running today, and my throat is all raw, forgot how it felt to purge i went for so long w/o ding it but not it just seems inevitable even expected. 

Infuriating Friday

Feeling a bit under the weather and still not sure if i should be going tot he gym or not... not even sure i want to go to my second class... not really motivated right now and feeling a bit sick and just blah.... feeling very sluggish but a part of me feels like I'm going to fail if i don't go today. Mind u i went swimming yesterday and i thought i was going to pass out by the end of it which I'm sure it has something to do with how I'm feeling today. My chest is still hurting a little, think i bruised it, didn't help that i purged last night.. my throat is feeling a bit raw too so yeah not good. Don't known whats happening to me. Things just seem to be snow balling out of control and i'm just watching myself go further and further into places i thought I'd never go like using lax or water pills, and using them consistently. Watching myself start to obsesses over exercise, the little voice in my head getting stronger and stronger. I've been feeling like throwing up since i got up this morning and i haven't had anything to eat as of yet. Obsessing over calories, when i was trying to pack my lunch, making mental notes that i need to get low calorie snacks because i know what I'm eating is not enough but everything i pick up seems too high. Can't even justify eating a friking chewy (granola) bar with myself. Juice unless its boxed, is simply a no go, and I'm starting to just really get worse fast and i don't know what to do. But i think I've pretty much decided to go to the gym, its a cold and if I cop out every-time I'm sick then yeah I'm never going to do that. Yesterday intake was high but took a lax pill and so i don't feel too bad i guess. Still under a1000cal so that's good, took the water pills today, will be taking them over the weekend, or maybe switch between them and lax not sure. Will need to buy new lax pills at some point probably Monday or Tuesday. Might do them Tuesday, go to the mall early and get a scale or go after class, and drop it off at home then come back to the gym..... not sure what the plan is yet, but i will get a scale next week for sure. So tired of not being able to weigh myself. If you (my fellow readers) know any good brands for scales let me know cause I'm clueless as to how to shop for one, but know that i am on a limited budget so price is an issue.

Tired Thursday

I didn't sleep at all last night, was up till about 1.30-2.00am and then was up at around 8am so not a good nights sleep at all. I'm wondering if its because of the pill because it has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee and i don't usually drink that much caffeine in a day....i ate breakfast this morning I'll be it really unhealthy but after walking around in the cold for 30min with a heavy shoulder bag and feeling like i was going to pass out i felt like i needed to have something so i indulged a little. Hoping that i can just carry on my day as planned as lunch isn't really big and its super healthy but we'll see...... My chest is still hurting a little but its getting better.... i didn't take the pill this morning so I'm going to see if it helps with feeling better. Plan to go swimming tonight and i have to go home this weekend (which wasn't planned but mom needs my help so I'm going to go and help her) which means i need to get shit done tonight, and tomorrow afternoon, so no messing around for me. I did some reading last night when i couldn't sleep so I'm no longer as far behind as i was but still behind non the less... will try and catch up today and have the gym tomorrow afternoon after class, and then home for the weekend, so that means no studying till Sunday night which is I'm not sure lol we'll see. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon. Keeping track of everything i eat in relation to exercise so i have a better idea of what is going on with the ED, and yesterdays final intake was pretty low when u take away how much i burned from exercising so it might be why I'm still having lingering pain, combined with a lack of sleep and even more exercise today we shall see how I'm doing by the end of the day.

Exercising Mishap

So had the gym today, did pretty well was able to push myself and i enjoyed it, didn't think i was working to hard but when i got off the elliptical i was pretty unsteady and thought i was going to pass out. To make things worse, i'm still having a bit of pain or weird feeling in my chest and i know its directly related to exercise cause i'm still feeling like passing out. So all in all not doing so well have eaten a yogurt and am currently sipping water with crystal light to help get my electrolytes back up as i'm hoping that that is the problem..... I've felt like this before but not to this extent, and not for this long some crystal light water usually fixes the problem but not today apparently. I was so proud earlier being able to run when i was on the treadmill but if i come home feeling like this all the time i don't think its very good for my heart. The only consolation is that it is a dull pain rather than sharp and its in the middle of my chest rather than to one side or the other which means it can't be my heart at least thats what i'm hoping. Neways yeah..... not a good end to the day....

It's a New Day

So my day yesterday was totally, shitty, so I've labeled my post appropriately as today signifies the start of a new me, a new day. It doesn't have to be the beginning of the week for me to start over so today is well my starting over day.

Lyrics by Plumb (Cure &Endure)

While i was reading another blog something the person wrote struck me, the various assumptions that we carry around of other people myself included. I think its part of human nature that we on sight judge and assume things about people upon our first encounter of them. I myself am guilty of this, guilty of judging and labeling someone, a friend or a complete stranger before I even really get to know them. I know how much it bugs me when people make assumptions about me.

My parents are fond of this and so are my brothers and it ticks me off to no end. I may be quiet and withdrawn when I'm around you but that doesn't mean that i am not fun our outgoing, or that i can't be happy. It's just when you spend enough time alone as a little kid, you learn to entertain yourself, you learn to take comfort in being alone. Just because i don't want to talk to my cousins, people who i barley know, and who are so much older than me that we couldn't possibly have anything in common doesn't mean i don't care, or that i'm antisocial. I'm constantly being told by my parents that i don't have enough confidence in myself, that i should trust my judgement more often, but it is hard to do that when you refuse to let me grow up. They (i.e. my mom) refuses to let me make mistakes on my own, or second guesses every decision that i make. Yes sometimes it is out of fear, but that doesn't mean that i won't ever do what it is i wanted to do, it just means that it is on hold for now, until i fell ready to take on w/e it is that i wanted to do. Its just so frustrating sometimes.


Anyways today marks a day of change, a day of self-discipline and endurance. Bought a water pill today and started taking it, also off my anxiety meds and not sure if its actually affecting me yet or if its the water pills cause they have caffeine in them are you're not supposed to take them with caffeine but i had a tea afterward (woops)., but i need my morning cup of tea to get me through the day.....

My ex is coming to pick something up from me today, later in the evening and I'm just hoping that seeing him won't make me spiral out of control, I'm trying so hard to forget him and not talk to him and just try and forget he ever existed (his idea not mine), but it seems to be harder than usual. I don't talk or text him anymore, and barley ever email him except the few times that i needed him to come get his stuff from my garage, so yeah we'll see.  Been feeling kind of sad and depressed after my Drs. appointment and just sort of feeling like everyone who is supposed to be supporting me regardless of if I'm ready to get better or not is like do w/e you want and deal with the consequences after, or i don't have time for you so I'll just recommend this group for you so i don't have to deal with your anxiety. Very frustrated and angry right now too, hope these feelings will pass soon.....

P.S- if you're reading just post a comment to say you're reading so i know i'm not just blogging to no audience. Thanks to anyone who reads this.

Failed

So i failed miserably, damm having no will power, was doing so well only had a salad for lunch and that was like 200cal and then had dinner which was pretty big but i was still under the 1000cal and then i had to go ruin it with chocolate and toast, FML!!! Tomorrow will be better i will show more self-discipline... will try and do some crunches tonight to help get rid of some of the shit I've eaten today.. i hate having so little will power. Must and will do better tomorrow. Hopefully i can go to the pool on Thursday and work some of it off. Feel like such a  failure right now, want to crawl up in a ball and cry

Sluggish Tuesday

So had my appointment this morning and to be honest it was pointless. I'm not really wanting to get help anyways and i think my Dr picked up on that. I'm going to try and keep my calorie limit to a 1000cal for now and see how that goes in terms of weight loss. There are so many other issues that i need to deal with and a lot of that has to do with the amount of control my parents have over me. I'm working on that though and breaking down the boundaries that were once set up but its going to take a bit of time. I'm hoping to get a car in April and that will help with having more freedom and being able to just go where i want when i want. I think for now I'm happy with the way things are, i mean I'm not ready to get better until i reach my goal weight(110lbs)and who knows how long that is going to take. For now I'm just going to try and get through the first half of term and see how i feel before i make any significant decisions on seeking help and getting better. In short I'll see my DR and my Psych once a month till April to check up and make sure medically I'm okay. Not much else to say not very much happening in my dad right now, just trying to get through life one day at a time.

Anticipating Monday

 I realized after my first post that i didn't really say very much about my self so here goes. You can call me SilentNightmare or SN whichever is easier for you. This is probably my third attempt at trying to start and keep a blog, but my first serious attempt as an adult. I love to write and have a passion for poetry as it provides me with a way to express myself more fully. I'm a University Studnet in my final year in the Arts and just trying to figure out what to do with life and myself after i graduate. This blogg is as much about finding myself as it is about the frsutrations of living with EDNOS and feeling like i'm always trying to prove myself, to prove that i'm sick enoough to deserve help to both myself and my medical team. I feel like no one is taking me seriously and they all think that it is simply a phase that I'm going to grow out of once I'm done school and I'm less stressed about the changes in my life.... For the first few post i'll give a little blurb about myself so you can get  to know me better.

Today i am full of anticipation, have a Dr. appointment tomorrow and sort of nervous as to how everything is going to go and if it is going to be useful or not. I'm stuck in the middle right now, partly because there is a part of me that wants help, but there is also another part of me that doesn't want help. A part of me that wants and feels like i need to get to Ana (Anorexia) before i can truly be heard, before anyone will really see me, before anyone will take me seriously. I hate being EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) if you want to know what that means comment and i shall post a link to a description or Google it :) .  and i hope that in the next four months i can begin my journey to lose more weight. I am no sick enough for anyone to really take me seriously, for anyone to listen to what I'm saying to process it and find ways to help me. instead I'm getting pushed into groups for anxiety, or being put on medication i really didn't want to be on. I also hope to find myself in this journey, try and figure out who I've become and what it is that i'm seeking from this life. Not sure where this is going to lead me, but i will ether gain it all or loose it all.

One thing to note I'm a perfectionist and have a very all or nothing thinking mindset, which doesn't help when you're EDNOS (stuck in the middle between Ana and Mia) (Mia=Bulimia)

Change

It's a working title, might change it at some point, but this was just how i felt after my first sessions of the new year with my therapist. I've been working with her now for about 4yrs and we are coming to the end of our time together, and so in the next four months or so she is going to be wrapping up our time together as we part ways. What i am going to do after that is still undecided, and it is something i'm thinking about. From here on out she will be known as T (Therapist), and other acronmyms you need to know Doctor (Dr.), Psychologist (psych or pdoc). Mostly anyone who i mention will be anonymous as i will post just letter for their first initial and thats about it. I hope you like this poem, some feedback would be nice, and criticism on how i could have made it better or could make it better is welcome.

I see people all around me changing, evolving.

Yet I seem stuck unchanged, unmoved

Slowly devolving, diminishing

Invisible, to those around me

The weight of the term,

The expectation,

Slowly crushing me

Pushing at me from every side,

Reminding me of its significance

Its finality

The pressure is getting to me

Too many questions

But no one hears,

No one listens

Feelings invisible to those around me

 Unable to hold it all up, I’m sinking

 Slowly, devolving, into nothingness

Physically shrinking

Wanting to be the invisibility that shrouds me

Change or lack of change,

All seems irrelevant to me

Pushing at me from every corner

I slip into the arms of EDNOS

It beckons me,

Welcomes me with promises

I hesitate, look back

But slowly give in

I feel its understanding

Its control

Its lack of judgement

Its finality

Its ever listening ears and comforting words

As I slowly shrink into nothingness

Oblivion welcomes me

Crowds me with obscurity

Silence overwhelms me

Slipping

 Sinking into the welcome protection of EDNOS