Wretched Wed

So after my high from my appointment i crashed and now my mood is beyond low. Didn't sleep well at all last night, and i don't know just kept thinking about how much of a failure i was cause i wasn't able to do the complete set of Push-ups and crunches i usually do, partly because i was so tired but also my arms just wouldn't let me, i spent like 2hrs making dough yesterday and that involves a lot of kneading, and it takes a lot out of your arms *sigh*... Anyways i woke up in a very bad mood, and I'm feeling very very sad, and just listening to depressing music. I was thinking last night in between strings of consciousness how much self-hatred i have for myself, how much i hate my body and the way i see myself. Its been a long time coming, a long time brewing, but I've just never felt attractive. I used to be such a skinny small kid when i was growing up and I'm just not that person anymore, esp since i hut puberty, i mean I'm lower than when i was when i hit puberty but its just not enough .....

Sometimes i feel like that image that idea i had about myself was well simply a dream. Like i have this unattainable unreachable goal in my head.  When i was talking to my T yesterday about wanting to be a certain weight, she was thinking it was like 2-3lbs at most and I was like  look K, its not 1 or 2lbs its 18lbs of weight that is a lot, and she was like yes that is a lot. And she was like and you think you can achieve this weight w/o doing physical harm to yourself or your body? And i was like yeah, she disagrees but all medical professionals would but w/e right? its my body my life.... thought at times it feels like i'm living in a dream world, just going through the motions .....

I'm just i don't know, sad, and depressed, and i know a lot has to do with how much i have to get done tonight but still.... i was just thinking today how much time i spend thinking about food, about calories, about trying to burn them, about how much space my ED takes in my life, how much time i spend thinking about very insignificant things in my life. Sometimes on days like today i just want to curl up in bed and just never get up, i just want to escape from the world and be in my own little world. Where i can be perfect, where things don't matter, and just where life seems to be much better than it is now.

But of course thats not possible. I have to get up every day and pretend like everything is ok. Like i'm not living in a constant state of hell, like i don't have all this self-hatred for myself, like going to the gym and running so hard is not an attempt to punish myself and my body in other ways apart from cutting. The only thing stopping me form cutting right now is the scars, most of them have faded but i can still see them cause i know where i cut and i have to go home tomorrow so that isn't even an option right now. I just really hate life right now, and i'm just pushing through, just stumbling from day to day, living in the moment or trying to as everything passes me by, as time seems to tick along, day in day out, going tick tock, tick, tock.....  There are days where i just feel like this....

And today is one of those days.... just feeling so broken and defeated. So tired, bruised and abused and i know a lot of the abuse has to do with the way i treat my body, and the things I'm doing to it because of my ED. One day I'd like to wake up and be happy, to not be in pain, to not have chest pains or a headache, and to just be you know.... Enough whining....

Lyric of the Day comes from one of the songs on my player but it described how i'm feeling right now....

I will not Bow - Breaking Benjamin

Fall!

Now The dark begins to rise, save your breath it's far from over

Leave the lost and dead behind, nows your chance to run for cover

I don't want to change the world, I just want to leave it colder

Light the fuse and burn it up, take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again, but I'm not giving in

I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break

I Will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

Fall!

Watch the end from dying eyes, now the dark is taking over

Show me where forever dies

Take the fall and run to heaven

All is lost again but I'm not giving in

I will not bow, I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid I have lost the will to change

And I am not proud, cold blooded, fake

I will shut the world away

I will not bow, I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid

I have lost the will to change and I am not proud, cold blooded, fake

I will shut the world away

Fall!