Offical Graduate + Sucky Saturday= Mood SN

So final grades got released yesterday i ended up with a 77.5 overall, but i got two 80's, one in my geography class and the other in my 4th year English class. I worked my ass of for the two of those classes so I'm pleased the others were mid 70's which is what i expected from them so not really disappointed with those grades esp as one of them is from a prof that's a hard marker and the other is not even in my field of study and the final exam was worth 50%. I'm super relieved and my final GPA for my last two years is a 75% or a 3.0 so a B which is generally how i've always done at school. I'm super tired and drained i think from all the anxiety and now my attention or anxiety has shifted from school marks being out more towards my appt on wed. and finding a Job. Most grad schools want a B+ average but i'm hoping that if i can get good references then i should be ok *crosses fingers* and my brother said if its a course based program they'll accept you cause they want to fill up as much space as possible so we'll see. Not applying till next year or the year after as i want to get a job gain some experience and just try and get as much money saved as possible and also to try and get myself better be in a better place to get things done. Sigh just sigh... will take anxiety meds tonight but can't take sleeping pills which means it won't be a good night at all, will try and read myself to sleep, reading three different books at once its quite a challenge but also enjoying.

Parents are pissing me off right now, just because i said one thing one fucking things and they are just going off on me about their childhood and how difficult it was for them  :roll: Pisses me off to no end. Almost was in tears but helped myself back wanted to yell at least you were happy you may have had to do more work, but you don't have to deal with depression with perfectionism with an ED, and you don't live in a world where one's image is everything you never have and never did.

Took my dog out yesterday for a bike ride, and things were going well until she saw a dog and flipped me over my bike and unto the floor scraped my right knee and left thigh even though i was wearing long pants, i was so mad at her so now the front of my bike is Jammed, like the front wheel won't turn which is sucky as i just got it fixed last summer and its probably going to cose mt $50-$100 to fix. So mad about that because i don't have the extra money to fix it.

neways other than that little incident things were ok, have to go see my uncle tomorrow and not happy about it at all. My dad is basically forcing me to go and i don't even know why but at least i can get out of eating hopefully *crosses fingers*. Keep going around in circles wish my brain could shut off but it doesn't and yeah, trying to make plans with friend for next week but i have to work around my appt date. Have to make sure to have the correct address and also print off directions ahead of time and just study it so i know where i'm going and make sure that i can get the car to go. That's my biggest concern really. I'm getting more nervous and such but that's what anxiety meds are for right? Will take the time on our way to my uncles place about going to schl on the 13'th of May and will see/make sure i can get a ride if not will have to figure out a way to get down by bus which is seeming harder and harder to do and more confusing every time i look at it so will have to ask dad and then plan from there. Hopefully he'll be going somewhere close and/or he won't mind dropping me off cause i can find my way back that's easier. Blahh yeah don't know what else to say so yeah.

Hope everyone is having a better weekend :1hug:

Scared

Saw my psychologist thinks i need to be on anxiety meds and that I'm starting to develop OCD, have to go back and see my Dr in 3 weeks and then i see her (psych) a month later. Seriously considering the medication so tired of dealing with anxiety all the time.

Parents mad at me cause i wasn't able to help them move out of my place due to the Appt. (they think it was with a prof) and I'm mad because they screwed my whole plan for the  day up. We were supposed to be there by 11.30 so i could help them but ended up not getting there till 1.20 a few mins before my 1.30 appt. Frustrating ... so yeah not fun/happy at all.

Super scared and worried in bed typing this crawled up in a little ball. Got more Ativan so won't have to worry about running out.

FUCK!!!!!

Caved ate dinner, was laughing at the dog cause she was being cute and funny,but was also crying cause i was eating and  i didn't want to but knew i needed to. Want to purge but will take laxatives instead they are better than purging less immediate strain on my heart. Tired, frustrated, sad and want to crawl up in a ball and cry right now. Head is screaming at me saying you're a fuking failure for eating, F.A.I.L.E.D.... but yeah blahhh don't know anymore, fucking give up on everything will just try and not eat at all or very little tomorrow. Really want to take the new blade in my moms room, well one of the many in the pack and just cut myself, just cut on my hips get the release from this hell that i'm going through. Restricting is no longer enough feel like running up and getting one putting it in my room and just doing it. Sigh i don't know will try and keep myself safe tonight, seeing my psychologist tomorrow. Will keep taking deep breaths and do more crunches and push ups

Sort of ok?

So i'm kind of ok kind of not. Will feel much better once i get this appt over with tomorrow. It will possibly be my last have till Dec so may decide to book something later in the year if things get too bad or if i learn to highway drive. Have booked two consultation appointments with two different therapists one has experience with people with Ed the one specializes with ED. The Second one seems really nice been talking over email trying to set up and appointment and she responded quickly and answered all my questions. She seems to know what she's talking about and seems really nice. Is it weird that i'm already attached to the second T even though i've never met her and haven't even really spoken by phone? Yeah dunno she just seems a lot more friendly and i think i'd prefer someone a bit younger than the T i had because they may better understand where I'm coming from and aren't stuck in their ways and are probably more open to trying new methods of treatment than someone who's been ding it for years?  mean i do want someone who's a bit experienced i don't want just anyone you know? But somewhere in the middle would be nice. Had a dentist appt this morning/early afternoon and had to get two fillings done appt was at 12.30 the numbing didn't wear off till abut 3.30pm took forever and now my mouth hurts like hell, fillings aren't supposed to hurt, and i mean it didn't take him long to do two fillings i think he was just fixing one i had done before but he was using and doing all these things i hadn't had when i got my other ones done and i'm pretty sure it was way more expensive. Neways w/e my insurance will cover 75% of the cost  so its ok. Just hoping this pain wears off soon cause i can't stand being in pain when i'm not the cause. Been feeling kind of numb lately and isolating myself a lot like any opportunity i get to be alone i go up and i'm not even being productive sometimes I'm just doing w/e ...

Been craving a shit load of sugar so been indulging on choclate for as long as its in the house. Stomach is cramping from the exercise (crunches and girly pushups) i did so yeah should be interesting tomorrow as got to finish  moving out of my place and back home so a lot of heavy lifting but i finally get my bike back home which will be nice as i can go biking even if its raining i don't care and just get some fucking exercise in me to get me moving again which will be nice.

ED voice are very loud reminding me of how fat i am and how my weight keeps going up and down its pathetic can't even maintain my set point weight and my plans to go running with mom have been cancelled as she's afraid of getting an injury, she had a hair line fracture last summer that took months to heal so half way into the summer i lost my exercise partner but did a lot of lifting heavy boxes so still lost some weight. A lot of my summer shorts are too big for me so need to buy new ones but don't want to buy something lose more weight and then it not fit again so waiting  but might cave soon. Blahhh yeah also feeling like saying fuck it to my no purging at home rule and just allowing myself to throw up when i want to and take laxatives and by diuretics tomorrow when i'm at schl from the pharmacy and just see where it goes. Don't know stopped cause my chest was hurting but now i kind of don't care... haven't even taken my stomach pills in a while just cause i don't remember.... wow there really is nothing interesting going on in my life. Mood is pretty much the same, low and ambivalent coupled with anger, frustration and irritation about being home and doing nothing. Yup that's my life.

Angry Rant

Things are kind of spiraling out of control, very much wrapped up in my ED and my anxiety is through the roof but refusing to acknowledge it. Instead allowing myself to find solace in organizing things in certain ways, weighing daily sometimes more than once, restricting and taking laxatives almost daily. My weight went up a couple lbs over the Easter Holiday was soo annoyed its back down to where i was at the beginning of the Year now, still need to lose more weight, feel fat and bloated and just disgusted with myself. Know i`m being illogical, know i'm being self-destructive but there's a part of me that doesn't care anymore because there is nothing to lose, no more academics being the maker of my health. Now i'm free to do w/e was pissed off cause it rained all day today and couldn't got for the walk with the dog like i wanted to so did sit-ups and push-ups instead to try and make up for it. Haven't eaten much and its nice to have the control back again. Hate feeling out of control and like i don't know/cant control what i put in my mouth. Brothers are gone so now, spending a lot of time on my own in my room or my parents room watching TV. Feeling rather apathetic. Have one appt with a new T booked for next week Wed, she has experience with ppl w/ eating disorders, and have another that i'm trying to book probably for the week after to see what she's like, again she also has experience. Used the national ED website to find the second one so i'm slightly more biased towards her and emailed her and got a response right away and her comments were nice, so kind of want to meet her and see what she's like. Had a miscommunication at the groomers so the bill was ridiculously high, mom is currently upset with me about the way the dog looks and having to spend money we don't have. I totally understand but i don't know how many times i have to say i'm sorry, not letting it go and sucks because the dogs current hair cut is a constant reminder of how much i screwed up. Already lacking confidence in myself and ability to be responsible and take things on, this just proves that i'm not. Mom doesn't believe that i told the groomer the right thing, even though i listed out what i wanted i think because it was me(look much younger than i am) she just did w/e she wanted. I can here her talking to my dad about it now, makes me want to crawl up in a ball and cry. Really feel broken right now, listening to Gunning by Hedley and that's how i feel right now. Wish i could seize to exist right now but unfortunately that's not possible. Also have scars on my wrist and i'm so used to them now that after a while i stopped noticing and my mom saw it over the Easter weekend and she asked me what those were and i just brushed it off but not sure if she believed me or not. Mom's the kind of person who keeps/accepts things the first time but keeps it in her mind forever and then when something happens she'll bring up that incident that you think she'd have forgotten about or something, but nope, its irritating because you can never ever forget past failures. *blahh*

 

Current Weight- 130.5

Goal Weight- 100

I will be 100 by the end of the summer i will loose 30lbs in 4mnths that's  reasonable and if i don't, well i don't know what i'm going to do. Its only like 7.5lbs/month which is totally doable right?

Good Friday = New Beginnings?

So i'm a christian and somewhere along the way i lost my faith and every once in a while I pick it back up only to lose it again once things get tough. When you've been depressed for more than 9 years and nothing seems to be working that tends to happen. So why am i saying all of this? Well Easter is a time that makes me think of my relationship with God and this year more so than ever. I thought about doing lent and what i could give up, but i was struggling to survive and keep myself going that i decided instead to focus on getting through my last semester. We had a good friday service this morning and it was nice, and we had communion and we were asked to think of one thing to give to Jesus and something we could receive in return. I asked for self-worth and for my Self-harm to go away in the many different forms that it comes (ED & Cutting). I told myself that today would be a new beginning that i wouldn't restrict anymore and instead work on getting myself better. So how's that going you ask? Failing miserably because it is hard to let go of the hurt, the pain and the brokenness when  you feel its the only thing grounding you, keeping you sane, making you feel real withing all this uncertainty. My point? Not sure i have one, just feeling like i'm at a crossroads and i don't know which way to go. Indulging in behaviours that exhibit OCD tendencies just so i don't have to be anxious. I'm beginning to wonder if i need to be on something a bit more permanent to help with the agitation and irritation I've been having. Walked into my moms bathroom this morning to put something away and in one of her drawers she had a new pack of blades, with many unopened ones, and all i could think of is where did she get that from? Oh wow i really want to take one, but no I'm not cutting right now, or she might notice that one is gone. I'm extremely tired but did get a good nights sleep, and had a decent morning. Friend i had coffee plans with cancelled with me so now i have nothing to do and that sucks, but i drove back from church this morning which was nice, I'm a little rusty  so need lots of practice which is fine with me.

Celebrations then down to work

So i'm done all my exams, all that left is appointments. Which means i don't have to worry about studying and making sure i'm functioning =crash. Today has been full of junk and greasy food and sugary food too. But tomorrow will be different, i plan on not eating very much at all and going for a bike ride tomorrow even if its raining i don't care i need some exercise and i need it bad. Will try and start adding sit-ups and push-ups back to my routine cause i need to get this fucking weight off, its summer soon and i need to have a decent body so i can allow myself to wear tank tops w/o having to wear a sweater over it cause it can get hot really here. Ahhhh yeah don't know tired, trying to write a letter to my T but not going  lol might not write one at all at this point but will sit on it for a few days. Have a new T appt May 19 at like 2.00pm which is super scary cause i have to open up all my feelings and thoughts to this new person. Can u say FUCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! so yeah not looking forward that but i know its important in trying to keep myself safe over the summer so yeah. *sigh* keep taking deep breaths and i'll be ok and its far away so yeah. Need to concentrate on packing and moving out of my place,  was going to take pictures today but its shit outside so yeah... maybe i'll come to school earlier for my appointment on tuesday and take some pics if its nice we'll see.

Video/Update- Anticipatingly sad. tired tuesday

Two exams down, One paper, One interview and One exam to go. *sigh*- if i just keep breathing i will get through this right?

 Had to take my anxiety meds at 1am last night as i was so restless and once i took it could feel the anxiety physically draining from my body which was nice to feel and was less restless but couldn't switch off my damm head so hoping the sleeping pill will do that for me nicely. Took laxatives for the first time in almost 2months i think but my digestive system is fucked up neways might as well be comfortable and not feel like a fat ass all the time. Plus i miss the empty stomach feelings i used to get. Also i think i have eating issues lol not in the i have an ED i know that one :P but i think i eat too fast, i'm often doing multiple things while eating and i think that makes me eat faster cause i don't notice that I'm eating which is good and bad. Good because if i really stop and notice I'd freak out and also bad because it give me major gas which i hate and is uncomfortable to have in my tummy as well as indigestion. How do i fix this problem?

 Down by the Riverside - Agnes Obel

Down by the river by the boats

Where everybody goes to be alone

Where you wont see any rising sun

Down to the river we will run

When by the water we drink to the dregs
Look at the stones on the riverbed
I can tell from your eyes
You've never been by the riverside

Down by the water the riverbed
Somebody calls you somebody says
swim with the current and float away
Down by the river every day

Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside

When that old river runs past your eyes

To wash off the dirt on the riverside

Go to the water so very near

The river will be your eyes and ears

I walk to the borders on my own
Fall in the water just like a stone
Chilled to the marrow in them bones
Why do I go here all alone

Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside (x2)

Video & Update - Stresful times

Been listening to a lot of Good Charlotte and other artists, but this is one of my favourite songs for their Chronicles of Life and Death album. I'm ok i guess, super tired, and a bit stressed out but so far i've been off my anxiety medication for 3days now, and you know what it feels good not to be dependent on it. Was taking it twice daily for about 3weeks +. Took a sleeping pill as i'm still not sleeping well, eating is better i guess but i'm more stress eating than anything. A lot of sugar and soothing things like chocolate and ice-cream i think they help passify the anxiety/ stressful time. Eating a lot of junk, but i finished my undergrad on Friday and I'm  just trying to study for exams and write an essay for wed so busy busy. Will be spending all day Tuesday and wed in the library as i have an 8.30 exam on Tuesday and then a 7.00pm exam that same day so need to studying for it, might come home and see if i can nap, maybe take a sleeping pill and get some rest. It really depends on how much studying i can get done tomorrow. 

On a completely different not i have blisters in my mouth and my tongue is like white and the tip is all red. Not sure what the fuck is happening there, but w.e will be consuming more vitamin C as of tomorrow. see if that helps although i've been drinking shit loads of organge juice already but cna't have too much vitamin C right?

Wow there is so much more i want to rant about cause i haven't posted in ages but I'll make them brief cause this is already a long post

Landlord is being a retard so have to wait home tomorrow for a guy to come give me an estimate for a garage door that is broken that wasn't even our fault, and it was just a shitty garage door, so yeah ergg... not happy about that since i have exams Tuesday and i won't get a spot at the library  cause its going to be packed tomorrow which is super annoying. But will make the best of it, at least it supposed to be nice outside

Have an information session/interview Thursday and another my last exam Saturday, need to go to bed now as my sleeping pills are kicking in. so i'm going to sing off now 

i feel like there was more...... but can't think of it now so i'll just leave you with the video below. Will probably share one in ever post for the next week.



The Truth: Good Charlotte

So here we are
We are alone
There’s weight on your mind
I wanna know
The truth, if this is how you feel
Say it to me
If this was ever real

I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me
I want the truth

So this is you
You're talking to me
You found a million ways to let me down
So I'm not hurt when you're not around
I was blind
But now I see
This is how you feel
Just say it to me
If this was ever real

I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me

I know that this will break me
I know that this might make me cry
You gotta say what’s on your mind, on your mind
I know that this will hurt me
and break my heart and soul inside
I don’t wanna live this lie

I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts
I don’t care no more, no
Just give me the truth, gimme' the truth
Cause I don’t care no more
Give me the truth
Cause I don’t care no more, no
Just give me the truth
Give me the truth[4x]
Cause I don’t care no more, no

If you get through this post/read it let me know. And sorry i've been MIA for so long just had to regroup and finish off my last month of undergrad but hopefully will be on here more often, and have started reading a few blogs haven't gotten to everyone's but know that i will eventually, I promise... 

I'm Back.. Kind of

I'm going to be coming back to blogging again, have to finish exams and a paper but will be reading once i'm done exams.