Good Friday = New Beginnings?

So i'm a christian and somewhere along the way i lost my faith and every once in a while I pick it back up only to lose it again once things get tough. When you've been depressed for more than 9 years and nothing seems to be working that tends to happen. So why am i saying all of this? Well Easter is a time that makes me think of my relationship with God and this year more so than ever. I thought about doing lent and what i could give up, but i was struggling to survive and keep myself going that i decided instead to focus on getting through my last semester. We had a good friday service this morning and it was nice, and we had communion and we were asked to think of one thing to give to Jesus and something we could receive in return. I asked for self-worth and for my Self-harm to go away in the many different forms that it comes (ED & Cutting). I told myself that today would be a new beginning that i wouldn't restrict anymore and instead work on getting myself better. So how's that going you ask? Failing miserably because it is hard to let go of the hurt, the pain and the brokenness when  you feel its the only thing grounding you, keeping you sane, making you feel real withing all this uncertainty. My point? Not sure i have one, just feeling like i'm at a crossroads and i don't know which way to go. Indulging in behaviours that exhibit OCD tendencies just so i don't have to be anxious. I'm beginning to wonder if i need to be on something a bit more permanent to help with the agitation and irritation I've been having. Walked into my moms bathroom this morning to put something away and in one of her drawers she had a new pack of blades, with many unopened ones, and all i could think of is where did she get that from? Oh wow i really want to take one, but no I'm not cutting right now, or she might notice that one is gone. I'm extremely tired but did get a good nights sleep, and had a decent morning. Friend i had coffee plans with cancelled with me so now i have nothing to do and that sucks, but i drove back from church this morning which was nice, I'm a little rusty  so need lots of practice which is fine with me.