New Blog

So I'm giving up this blog and I started a new one called Laying Down My Wounded Pride for anyone who wants to follow me :)

Dorwning

I feel like i'm drowning, don't know what to do, feeling shitty in general.

Signing offf

Hey my fellow bloggers though I've been reading blogs i haven't posted in a while and i think its because i feel like i'm not in the same place as everyone else on here. I think I'm just going to take some time off  here. I need to find myself to figure out who i am and what i want. I need to figure out if i want recovery or not. I need a break, I need to do something with my life and I'm not getting the feedback i need on here and i think it might be time to take some time off and see if I really need to be on here or if its triggering me and making me more depressed. If you need anything feel free to message me on here and it'll get forwarded to my email or if you want to keep in contact with me comment and i'll send you my email. Will miss you all *hugs*.

Fleeting Friday

So went for a 5km walk tonight took me 54mins i was happy with the time for sure did a bit of running with the dog during the walk but not for long period of time at all just like short 2mins bursts to help tire her out but i think it made me more tired Maybe sort of was running to make myself sick as well

So mom asked me to make her a cup of tea and upon giving it to her she commented about my neck and the fact that my bones were showing and i just laughed it off but she made me list off what i'd eaten today and how many times kind of fudged a little to make lunch sound better but i don't know why it made me happy and more motivated to do my floor exercises and took me less time than normal probably cause i took a couple of days off but yeah makes me feel good. Does this make me a bad person?

Took my sleeping pills already a little too early but 'm exhausted and don't want a repeat of last night.Want to buy a scale it was advertised for like $15 at one of the stores till quantities last but we already have one at home and April (T) already thinks that i weight to much and that having a scale/weighing daily is dangerous so we'll see if it works out i'll buy one if not I won't. I just want to have one in my room/bathroom so i can weigh whenever instead of only when my parents aren't in the room.

END ...

Irreperably Broken

I apologize in advance for the disrupted nature of this post, it was written at midnight and i was in a very bad state of mind and its long.

************************TRIGS SI/SU/ED****************************

As of today can safely say that there are two major things or triggers that are fueling my ED. The first is the sexual abuse that happened when i was younger, my reaction to it and subsequent actions and my refusal to deal with how its affected and/or affecting me right now. The second would be the recent termination of my first ever serious relationship and the feeling of being used. Both incidents lead me to feeling dirty, disgusting, used and unwanted. Both have had negative impacts in my life and i don't know how to talk about them or deal with them and keep myself safe. I know i don't want to carry this burden around with me forever. I don't want to be this way but whenever i look at myself at my body all i see is disgust. Despite my mom telling me that I'm too skinny, which i don't see it that way at all. Dr. L asked me what it'd take for me to give up my ED and the answer would be when i got to 100lbs my current goal weight.

I feel the weight of the world collapsing in upon me
the words choked in my throat unable to speak
stuck on constant replay images and thoughts float past.

The memories are everywhere.
Names, places, scents all trigger unwanted emotions, thoughts scenes and details replayed daily
stuck in my head analyzing details.
But all I'm left with is it's all my fault.

Told i was too young to understand.
Too young to really do anything.
So why do i feel so dirty?
so used, untouchable and damaged?

I am broken and irreplaceable.
Shattered to pieces never to be put back together
watch me drown in the sorrows that is my life.

I've been burdened with this secrete.
Burdened with images and thoughts. All i feel is pain and sorrow,
all i want is to end it all

My ED is my shield,
protecting me from emotions and pain ,
without it i am simply broken and used. With it I'm still broken and used but I'm SN
I'm ME with my ED I am human, somewhat whole

To tell you the truth i don't know what I'm doing with my life. Feels like i have no direction no plan and its just yeah. I'm completely lost and scared. At a loss for what to do, who to turn to because no one knows . Days are fine but nights sometimes i feel like I'm fighting to stay alive, fighting to stay safe and be okay. There are nights like tonight where i want to end it all I can't say the thought and feelings of hopelessness don't scare me but its keeping me alive right now and i guess that's what matters?Thoughts of slitting my wrists and/or drowning are back in my head.Love my parents but how do you tell them that their only daughter is slowly killing herself and she is broken beyond repair? Damaged goods so to speak. I am human, somewhat whole, but irreparably broken.

Nervous but better

I'm going much better than i was a few days ago nights are still very hard for me, my mood drops, i get depressed and suicidal, wanting to cut so yeah not good. But days are usually fine, been a bit spaced out today stopped at a traffic light that was green cause i thought it was a stop sign. Not good to be driving when i'm this spaced out. so yeah blahh. Tired not sleeping all that deep but getting better nights sleep. Will take my anxiety pills in the next couple of hrs to help with the nerves, only 2days till my T appt. Its 4.00pm on Wed so have to be out of the house by 3.30 cause i'm not familiar with the area at all so yeah have to make up some excuse as to what i'll be doing there, so we'll say meeting a friend just don't know if i'm going to give specifics. I'm tired and fighting ED but its winning right now and so tempted to just give in and collapse into its arms but am keeping to fight. Telling myself to just breathe and things will be ok but nerves are getting to me so have to up my anxiety meds from one a day to two. Was a mess when grades got released but took anxiety meds so it wasn't visible outside and hopefully that will be the same way on wed. Tips on how to releax on what to say how to bring things up anything is totally welcome and greatly appreicated. 

Thanks to all my readers and to those who comment as well big hugs for all :)

Offical Graduate + Sucky Saturday= Mood SN

So final grades got released yesterday i ended up with a 77.5 overall, but i got two 80's, one in my geography class and the other in my 4th year English class. I worked my ass of for the two of those classes so I'm pleased the others were mid 70's which is what i expected from them so not really disappointed with those grades esp as one of them is from a prof that's a hard marker and the other is not even in my field of study and the final exam was worth 50%. I'm super relieved and my final GPA for my last two years is a 75% or a 3.0 so a B which is generally how i've always done at school. I'm super tired and drained i think from all the anxiety and now my attention or anxiety has shifted from school marks being out more towards my appt on wed. and finding a Job. Most grad schools want a B+ average but i'm hoping that if i can get good references then i should be ok *crosses fingers* and my brother said if its a course based program they'll accept you cause they want to fill up as much space as possible so we'll see. Not applying till next year or the year after as i want to get a job gain some experience and just try and get as much money saved as possible and also to try and get myself better be in a better place to get things done. Sigh just sigh... will take anxiety meds tonight but can't take sleeping pills which means it won't be a good night at all, will try and read myself to sleep, reading three different books at once its quite a challenge but also enjoying.

Parents are pissing me off right now, just because i said one thing one fucking things and they are just going off on me about their childhood and how difficult it was for them  :roll: Pisses me off to no end. Almost was in tears but helped myself back wanted to yell at least you were happy you may have had to do more work, but you don't have to deal with depression with perfectionism with an ED, and you don't live in a world where one's image is everything you never have and never did.

Took my dog out yesterday for a bike ride, and things were going well until she saw a dog and flipped me over my bike and unto the floor scraped my right knee and left thigh even though i was wearing long pants, i was so mad at her so now the front of my bike is Jammed, like the front wheel won't turn which is sucky as i just got it fixed last summer and its probably going to cose mt $50-$100 to fix. So mad about that because i don't have the extra money to fix it.

neways other than that little incident things were ok, have to go see my uncle tomorrow and not happy about it at all. My dad is basically forcing me to go and i don't even know why but at least i can get out of eating hopefully *crosses fingers*. Keep going around in circles wish my brain could shut off but it doesn't and yeah, trying to make plans with friend for next week but i have to work around my appt date. Have to make sure to have the correct address and also print off directions ahead of time and just study it so i know where i'm going and make sure that i can get the car to go. That's my biggest concern really. I'm getting more nervous and such but that's what anxiety meds are for right? Will take the time on our way to my uncles place about going to schl on the 13'th of May and will see/make sure i can get a ride if not will have to figure out a way to get down by bus which is seeming harder and harder to do and more confusing every time i look at it so will have to ask dad and then plan from there. Hopefully he'll be going somewhere close and/or he won't mind dropping me off cause i can find my way back that's easier. Blahh yeah don't know what else to say so yeah.

Hope everyone is having a better weekend :1hug:

Scared

Saw my psychologist thinks i need to be on anxiety meds and that I'm starting to develop OCD, have to go back and see my Dr in 3 weeks and then i see her (psych) a month later. Seriously considering the medication so tired of dealing with anxiety all the time.

Parents mad at me cause i wasn't able to help them move out of my place due to the Appt. (they think it was with a prof) and I'm mad because they screwed my whole plan for the  day up. We were supposed to be there by 11.30 so i could help them but ended up not getting there till 1.20 a few mins before my 1.30 appt. Frustrating ... so yeah not fun/happy at all.

Super scared and worried in bed typing this crawled up in a little ball. Got more Ativan so won't have to worry about running out.

FUCK!!!!!

Caved ate dinner, was laughing at the dog cause she was being cute and funny,but was also crying cause i was eating and  i didn't want to but knew i needed to. Want to purge but will take laxatives instead they are better than purging less immediate strain on my heart. Tired, frustrated, sad and want to crawl up in a ball and cry right now. Head is screaming at me saying you're a fuking failure for eating, F.A.I.L.E.D.... but yeah blahhh don't know anymore, fucking give up on everything will just try and not eat at all or very little tomorrow. Really want to take the new blade in my moms room, well one of the many in the pack and just cut myself, just cut on my hips get the release from this hell that i'm going through. Restricting is no longer enough feel like running up and getting one putting it in my room and just doing it. Sigh i don't know will try and keep myself safe tonight, seeing my psychologist tomorrow. Will keep taking deep breaths and do more crunches and push ups

Sort of ok?

So i'm kind of ok kind of not. Will feel much better once i get this appt over with tomorrow. It will possibly be my last have till Dec so may decide to book something later in the year if things get too bad or if i learn to highway drive. Have booked two consultation appointments with two different therapists one has experience with people with Ed the one specializes with ED. The Second one seems really nice been talking over email trying to set up and appointment and she responded quickly and answered all my questions. She seems to know what she's talking about and seems really nice. Is it weird that i'm already attached to the second T even though i've never met her and haven't even really spoken by phone? Yeah dunno she just seems a lot more friendly and i think i'd prefer someone a bit younger than the T i had because they may better understand where I'm coming from and aren't stuck in their ways and are probably more open to trying new methods of treatment than someone who's been ding it for years?  mean i do want someone who's a bit experienced i don't want just anyone you know? But somewhere in the middle would be nice. Had a dentist appt this morning/early afternoon and had to get two fillings done appt was at 12.30 the numbing didn't wear off till abut 3.30pm took forever and now my mouth hurts like hell, fillings aren't supposed to hurt, and i mean it didn't take him long to do two fillings i think he was just fixing one i had done before but he was using and doing all these things i hadn't had when i got my other ones done and i'm pretty sure it was way more expensive. Neways w/e my insurance will cover 75% of the cost  so its ok. Just hoping this pain wears off soon cause i can't stand being in pain when i'm not the cause. Been feeling kind of numb lately and isolating myself a lot like any opportunity i get to be alone i go up and i'm not even being productive sometimes I'm just doing w/e ...

Been craving a shit load of sugar so been indulging on choclate for as long as its in the house. Stomach is cramping from the exercise (crunches and girly pushups) i did so yeah should be interesting tomorrow as got to finish  moving out of my place and back home so a lot of heavy lifting but i finally get my bike back home which will be nice as i can go biking even if its raining i don't care and just get some fucking exercise in me to get me moving again which will be nice.

ED voice are very loud reminding me of how fat i am and how my weight keeps going up and down its pathetic can't even maintain my set point weight and my plans to go running with mom have been cancelled as she's afraid of getting an injury, she had a hair line fracture last summer that took months to heal so half way into the summer i lost my exercise partner but did a lot of lifting heavy boxes so still lost some weight. A lot of my summer shorts are too big for me so need to buy new ones but don't want to buy something lose more weight and then it not fit again so waiting  but might cave soon. Blahhh yeah also feeling like saying fuck it to my no purging at home rule and just allowing myself to throw up when i want to and take laxatives and by diuretics tomorrow when i'm at schl from the pharmacy and just see where it goes. Don't know stopped cause my chest was hurting but now i kind of don't care... haven't even taken my stomach pills in a while just cause i don't remember.... wow there really is nothing interesting going on in my life. Mood is pretty much the same, low and ambivalent coupled with anger, frustration and irritation about being home and doing nothing. Yup that's my life.

Angry Rant

Things are kind of spiraling out of control, very much wrapped up in my ED and my anxiety is through the roof but refusing to acknowledge it. Instead allowing myself to find solace in organizing things in certain ways, weighing daily sometimes more than once, restricting and taking laxatives almost daily. My weight went up a couple lbs over the Easter Holiday was soo annoyed its back down to where i was at the beginning of the Year now, still need to lose more weight, feel fat and bloated and just disgusted with myself. Know i`m being illogical, know i'm being self-destructive but there's a part of me that doesn't care anymore because there is nothing to lose, no more academics being the maker of my health. Now i'm free to do w/e was pissed off cause it rained all day today and couldn't got for the walk with the dog like i wanted to so did sit-ups and push-ups instead to try and make up for it. Haven't eaten much and its nice to have the control back again. Hate feeling out of control and like i don't know/cant control what i put in my mouth. Brothers are gone so now, spending a lot of time on my own in my room or my parents room watching TV. Feeling rather apathetic. Have one appt with a new T booked for next week Wed, she has experience with ppl w/ eating disorders, and have another that i'm trying to book probably for the week after to see what she's like, again she also has experience. Used the national ED website to find the second one so i'm slightly more biased towards her and emailed her and got a response right away and her comments were nice, so kind of want to meet her and see what she's like. Had a miscommunication at the groomers so the bill was ridiculously high, mom is currently upset with me about the way the dog looks and having to spend money we don't have. I totally understand but i don't know how many times i have to say i'm sorry, not letting it go and sucks because the dogs current hair cut is a constant reminder of how much i screwed up. Already lacking confidence in myself and ability to be responsible and take things on, this just proves that i'm not. Mom doesn't believe that i told the groomer the right thing, even though i listed out what i wanted i think because it was me(look much younger than i am) she just did w/e she wanted. I can here her talking to my dad about it now, makes me want to crawl up in a ball and cry. Really feel broken right now, listening to Gunning by Hedley and that's how i feel right now. Wish i could seize to exist right now but unfortunately that's not possible. Also have scars on my wrist and i'm so used to them now that after a while i stopped noticing and my mom saw it over the Easter weekend and she asked me what those were and i just brushed it off but not sure if she believed me or not. Mom's the kind of person who keeps/accepts things the first time but keeps it in her mind forever and then when something happens she'll bring up that incident that you think she'd have forgotten about or something, but nope, its irritating because you can never ever forget past failures. *blahh*

 

Current Weight- 130.5

Goal Weight- 100

I will be 100 by the end of the summer i will loose 30lbs in 4mnths that's  reasonable and if i don't, well i don't know what i'm going to do. Its only like 7.5lbs/month which is totally doable right?

Good Friday = New Beginnings?

So i'm a christian and somewhere along the way i lost my faith and every once in a while I pick it back up only to lose it again once things get tough. When you've been depressed for more than 9 years and nothing seems to be working that tends to happen. So why am i saying all of this? Well Easter is a time that makes me think of my relationship with God and this year more so than ever. I thought about doing lent and what i could give up, but i was struggling to survive and keep myself going that i decided instead to focus on getting through my last semester. We had a good friday service this morning and it was nice, and we had communion and we were asked to think of one thing to give to Jesus and something we could receive in return. I asked for self-worth and for my Self-harm to go away in the many different forms that it comes (ED & Cutting). I told myself that today would be a new beginning that i wouldn't restrict anymore and instead work on getting myself better. So how's that going you ask? Failing miserably because it is hard to let go of the hurt, the pain and the brokenness when  you feel its the only thing grounding you, keeping you sane, making you feel real withing all this uncertainty. My point? Not sure i have one, just feeling like i'm at a crossroads and i don't know which way to go. Indulging in behaviours that exhibit OCD tendencies just so i don't have to be anxious. I'm beginning to wonder if i need to be on something a bit more permanent to help with the agitation and irritation I've been having. Walked into my moms bathroom this morning to put something away and in one of her drawers she had a new pack of blades, with many unopened ones, and all i could think of is where did she get that from? Oh wow i really want to take one, but no I'm not cutting right now, or she might notice that one is gone. I'm extremely tired but did get a good nights sleep, and had a decent morning. Friend i had coffee plans with cancelled with me so now i have nothing to do and that sucks, but i drove back from church this morning which was nice, I'm a little rusty  so need lots of practice which is fine with me.

Celebrations then down to work

So i'm done all my exams, all that left is appointments. Which means i don't have to worry about studying and making sure i'm functioning =crash. Today has been full of junk and greasy food and sugary food too. But tomorrow will be different, i plan on not eating very much at all and going for a bike ride tomorrow even if its raining i don't care i need some exercise and i need it bad. Will try and start adding sit-ups and push-ups back to my routine cause i need to get this fucking weight off, its summer soon and i need to have a decent body so i can allow myself to wear tank tops w/o having to wear a sweater over it cause it can get hot really here. Ahhhh yeah don't know tired, trying to write a letter to my T but not going  lol might not write one at all at this point but will sit on it for a few days. Have a new T appt May 19 at like 2.00pm which is super scary cause i have to open up all my feelings and thoughts to this new person. Can u say FUCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!! so yeah not looking forward that but i know its important in trying to keep myself safe over the summer so yeah. *sigh* keep taking deep breaths and i'll be ok and its far away so yeah. Need to concentrate on packing and moving out of my place,  was going to take pictures today but its shit outside so yeah... maybe i'll come to school earlier for my appointment on tuesday and take some pics if its nice we'll see.

Video/Update- Anticipatingly sad. tired tuesday

Two exams down, One paper, One interview and One exam to go. *sigh*- if i just keep breathing i will get through this right?

 Had to take my anxiety meds at 1am last night as i was so restless and once i took it could feel the anxiety physically draining from my body which was nice to feel and was less restless but couldn't switch off my damm head so hoping the sleeping pill will do that for me nicely. Took laxatives for the first time in almost 2months i think but my digestive system is fucked up neways might as well be comfortable and not feel like a fat ass all the time. Plus i miss the empty stomach feelings i used to get. Also i think i have eating issues lol not in the i have an ED i know that one :P but i think i eat too fast, i'm often doing multiple things while eating and i think that makes me eat faster cause i don't notice that I'm eating which is good and bad. Good because if i really stop and notice I'd freak out and also bad because it give me major gas which i hate and is uncomfortable to have in my tummy as well as indigestion. How do i fix this problem?

 Down by the Riverside - Agnes Obel

Down by the river by the boats

Where everybody goes to be alone

Where you wont see any rising sun

Down to the river we will run

When by the water we drink to the dregs
Look at the stones on the riverbed
I can tell from your eyes
You've never been by the riverside

Down by the water the riverbed
Somebody calls you somebody says
swim with the current and float away
Down by the river every day

Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside

When that old river runs past your eyes

To wash off the dirt on the riverside

Go to the water so very near

The river will be your eyes and ears

I walk to the borders on my own
Fall in the water just like a stone
Chilled to the marrow in them bones
Why do I go here all alone

Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside (x2)

Video & Update - Stresful times

Been listening to a lot of Good Charlotte and other artists, but this is one of my favourite songs for their Chronicles of Life and Death album. I'm ok i guess, super tired, and a bit stressed out but so far i've been off my anxiety medication for 3days now, and you know what it feels good not to be dependent on it. Was taking it twice daily for about 3weeks +. Took a sleeping pill as i'm still not sleeping well, eating is better i guess but i'm more stress eating than anything. A lot of sugar and soothing things like chocolate and ice-cream i think they help passify the anxiety/ stressful time. Eating a lot of junk, but i finished my undergrad on Friday and I'm  just trying to study for exams and write an essay for wed so busy busy. Will be spending all day Tuesday and wed in the library as i have an 8.30 exam on Tuesday and then a 7.00pm exam that same day so need to studying for it, might come home and see if i can nap, maybe take a sleeping pill and get some rest. It really depends on how much studying i can get done tomorrow. 

On a completely different not i have blisters in my mouth and my tongue is like white and the tip is all red. Not sure what the fuck is happening there, but w.e will be consuming more vitamin C as of tomorrow. see if that helps although i've been drinking shit loads of organge juice already but cna't have too much vitamin C right?

Wow there is so much more i want to rant about cause i haven't posted in ages but I'll make them brief cause this is already a long post

Landlord is being a retard so have to wait home tomorrow for a guy to come give me an estimate for a garage door that is broken that wasn't even our fault, and it was just a shitty garage door, so yeah ergg... not happy about that since i have exams Tuesday and i won't get a spot at the library  cause its going to be packed tomorrow which is super annoying. But will make the best of it, at least it supposed to be nice outside

Have an information session/interview Thursday and another my last exam Saturday, need to go to bed now as my sleeping pills are kicking in. so i'm going to sing off now 

i feel like there was more...... but can't think of it now so i'll just leave you with the video below. Will probably share one in ever post for the next week.



The Truth: Good Charlotte

So here we are
We are alone
There’s weight on your mind
I wanna know
The truth, if this is how you feel
Say it to me
If this was ever real

I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me
I want the truth

So this is you
You're talking to me
You found a million ways to let me down
So I'm not hurt when you're not around
I was blind
But now I see
This is how you feel
Just say it to me
If this was ever real

I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me

I know that this will break me
I know that this might make me cry
You gotta say what’s on your mind, on your mind
I know that this will hurt me
and break my heart and soul inside
I don’t wanna live this lie

I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts me
I want the truth from you
Give me the truth, even if it hurts
I don’t care no more, no
Just give me the truth, gimme' the truth
Cause I don’t care no more
Give me the truth
Cause I don’t care no more, no
Just give me the truth
Give me the truth[4x]
Cause I don’t care no more, no

If you get through this post/read it let me know. And sorry i've been MIA for so long just had to regroup and finish off my last month of undergrad but hopefully will be on here more often, and have started reading a few blogs haven't gotten to everyone's but know that i will eventually, I promise... 

I'm Back.. Kind of

I'm going to be coming back to blogging again, have to finish exams and a paper but will be reading once i'm done exams.

Update

Supposed to be in recovery, but its hell, hating it so much. Still so stressed out been cutting and purging. Kind of like the release that i got from cutting makes me want to go deeper, might try that tonight. Eating is ok i guess, but i guesss its more the fact that i don't want to be on anything stronger in terms of meds. I know i've been neglecting this place but i'll be back in about 3-4 weeks. Have to finish of my final year and try and find a job, if my brother will ever get to proof reading/fixing my cover letters for me.

Short Update

Hey my fellow bloggers,

Just wanted to let you know that i'm alive and ok. Just trying to take care of myself and working with my medical team to get better. Hopefully once things have calmed down or stabilized i will return to my blogging. 

Dear fellow Bloggers.....

I might have to take a break from blogging/reading blogs as well its not helping with mood and thoughts. My T seriously thinks that i need to stop until I'm in a better place/mindset because it is on;y helping to perpetuate the SU thoughts, and just further emerse myself in this world. Not sure what my decisions is going to be yet, as i might just track my mood for the next couple of days and see how i feel, as i might still need an outlet for these thoughts not sure. But she strongly recommended that i stop blogging for a while and just focus on staying out of trouble and keeping my thoughts to just that thoughts rather than actions.... I guess just finding it hard to let go of this world/community of bloggers I'm so fond of and i'd hate to not be there for you guys when you're all going through so much.

Growing Frustrations.....

Still here still hanging on, don't know if I'll ever be able to live for myself and what i want to do. Have so much to do but no motivation. Getting super stressed out about things, mainly school. Misread a due date so i have one less day than i thought i did, as well as having to keep up with the discussions for that class. feeling like I'm buried and its like the more i get done the more buried i get. Can't seem to find a way out, getting frustrated, irritated, tired and so close to breaking down completely to shutting everyone and everything out... i want to crawl into a hole and hide till all this is over. Maybe it will be better to just end it all? End this misery? Ahhhhh fuckkkkk.... getting anxious not a good feeling at all... being doing so good at keeping feelings at bay this term and would like to keep it that way...

Reason why i'm still here

The only reason why I'm still here is because i know the repercussions of my actions extend beyond my family ( beyond my friends, my parents and my siblings), my actions affect my aunts and uncles, they affect my cousins those that I've met and those that i have yet to meet. I don't want to leave behind the legacy of myself as being depressed, i don't want my cousins to remember me by the actions that i choose to commit. I don't want my parents to have to call my aunts my uncle, my grandma and tell them that i took my own life. That is the only thing keeping me here. I'm still struggling still pushing through, not sure for how much longer, but at least for now I'm here trying to live in the moment, taking each day as it comes, struggling, pushing, enduring because for now that's all i can do.

Conversation

An ongoing conversation with a friend over facebook...

Me: do you ever get the feeling that if you could purge yourself of everything, life would be so much better?

C: for sure! wouldn't it though? such a shame we cant! how are you doing today? i just got up.. i needed the extra sleep :P

Me: me not so good, tired frustrated and trying to study. Have this urge to write, but nothing seems to be coming out, nothing seems to make sense. How do you put to words this strange feelings of purging yourself of life, of thought, the physical action itself manifesting itself in different ways, through different means? How do you explain that? is it even explainable? the feeling like there's something inside that needs to come out, the idea of impurity and the need to be pure again to be whole? As if somehow you are fragmented that life is fragmented? Its unexplainable...instead its just this yearning for something more, this unexplainable desire to leave this place, this image that's stuck in your head of death of what it would be like to feel that slow release of everything that you have come to know. To take away the pain from yourself to seize to exist and live in limbo even if it is for that moment only. But then it shatters, the illusion and you come back to the reality, to life to the pain and the understanding that its not possible, and it breaks your heart. Its like waking up from a dream world, its like that dream, those thoughts are impossible to act out. They are irreconcilable with reality, with what we know as truth. But how to break free, how to step aside or apart from ourselves to look on and realize what needs to be done? is it even possible? those are the streams of thoughts in my head.

Purge Meets Death

I need a purge but not in the normal sense we think of it, at least not in the ED context. It serves the same function but different. I want to end it all, to find that sweet release, free of all the judgment and the pain and the frustrations. Life is not really worth it, not sure i want to stick around any longer to see the disappointment from others and to see myself fail at everything i try or don't try. In Short i want to say fuck it all, purge myself of this disgusting unclean feeling i get when i think of everything that I've been through, somehow feel dirty, tainted like i can never be loved, want to purge myself physically of the discomfort and feelings that come with eating and binging and such, fucking stressed out with school, and parents pissing me off, want to purge myself of this life and everything in it and seize to exist and just be or not be at all. so angry at myself, so much self-hate if i could, if i were such a chicken i'd take a blade and slice myself up so bad i'd be covered, i wouldn't care it would bring be sweet release... was reading a book for class and she talked about cutting open her veins and sitting in a bath of warm water and just letting yourself go and if i wasn't such a chicken i thought that would be the best way to go. 'd be warm and comfortable and i wouldn't be euphoric from all the loss of blood and the endorphins released i wouldn't feel anything......wish i was stronger to follow through to not cop out on plans solid or not they are my plans and i wish i could only follow through.

So not ok......

Honestly I'm not doing ok right now, thought i was but am not really. Weighed myself today and i had gained weight so not happy about that at all, which doesn't help with the frustration and fear that if i start eating again i'm going to gain weight. So its back to restricting and the pills. Took diuretics this morning and laxatives this evening, so hopefully tomorrow will provide relief for me. Going to alternate the days i use laxatives, so like an every other day thing. Today consisted of two meals, tomorrow will be one and it is possible as i'll be out of the house hopefully by 10am and be back at around 4pm and then we (mom, I and dog) have a graduation ceremony for the dog's Puppy class. Not sure when that is but will eat something small before or after the class which is about an hr. So if all goes too plan then i won't have to eat much tomorrow and/or for the rest of the week. Thursday i have a dentist appt at 12.30 so not going to eat anything before hand, might eat something after that not sure yet, depends on if i can make it out of the house or not. Wow can't believe tomorrow is mid week and i haven't gotten half the things i wanted to accomplish done . FML I'm so screwed for next week. Close to breaking down, and to screaming and saying fuck it all, kind of want to cut but I'm home, right now i really just don't give a dam and am so fucking irritated its even starting to piss me off. Dogs not doing so good, so mom and i have to look after her, so yeah.... blahhhh just not having a good week and my best friend is not having a good week and i think we trigger and encourage each other one even if we don't mean to, We disapprove of what we're doing to ourselves and we encourage the other person to eat but the fact that we're not eating makes us not listen to each other even though we know the other person is right. Sometimes i find myself so wrapped up in this world that it all becomes normal which is so not ok either. I am so screwed up its not even funny. Only 2mnths left of schl and no idea what I'm going to do when its all done and i don't have my support system in place, no one i can really vent to irl as not many ppl know or understand it. I try talking to my one housemate but shes like i believe in mind over matter, if you tell yourself you're going to be ok, then you will, but if you tell yourself you're not going to be ok then you won't. I'm like just because its a mental illness doesn't mean its just mind over matter, sometimes i want to tell her to STFU but i can't cause then i can't vent to her anymore lol.... i don't vent as often anymore which is good cause most of the time it doesn't help, and well my drs. a fucking idiot in my opinion and i don't know why i even bother seeing her, but oh well psychologist insists so that's why.

Here are a few pictures to brighten up my post....

New Belt - Not very good quality but gives u an ideal will post a better one in the next post or something.

Picture of my  Dog w/ the cone on her to stop her from licking her current wound......

The Joys of being home....

Feeling a bit ok, i guess, dunno, got nothing done today at all. Tired, been taking the dog out today as she's not feeling to good but shes getting better, may take a while to get herself back to normal. Today was unproductive and i'm freaking out, being at home downstairs is not working, i will get up early, shower, make my tea, take the dog out and i will go upstairs and study. Will try and do some reading tonight, hope that will help. Been eating normally ate three meals today, not very happy at all. Feel like i'm getting fat, gaining weight, though i'm trying to stop pills cause my skin is breaking out and i suspect that its either the pills or all the chocolate i ate last week so going off both for a while, well trying, hopefully can make it today w/o laxatives, since Friday i've only taken 2 which is a huge difference from last week. I'm very tired, so might try and head to be early we'll see. Really want to go back to restricting trying hard not to, but might give in tomorrow, as we'll be out by 11.00am cause the dog has grooming appt and the bagels are all gone so i'll be less likely to eat breakfast tomorrow.

And life goes on....

Not much to say, been binging all weekend, think i might go back to serious restricting tomorrow, its a holiday here but have to do some studying so will just spend as much time in my room as possible will have to take the dog out but those will be short breaks hopefully.....sooo tired too and sick... yeah not the most intresting post so far lol will do a better update tomorrow. 

Random thoughts

Its such a nice day outside that its put me in a good mood, though getting dressed today was friking hard, like none of my Jeans fit me properly they are all so big, and my hoodies, even ones i got at the end of last year are all too big for me, maybe its because i have less layers on as its nice outside? I don't know... but i definitley need to go shopping again, its quite annoying acctually as i just bought new jeans like last year at the end of the summer as they were having a sale and i needed new Jeans..... It didn't used to bother me before but now it really does cause i wanted to wear this new belt with my jeans but it wasn't sitting properly. I can't seem to find a picture anywhere so i'll take a picture and upload it when i get home later. But yeah in a happy cherry mood for once so yay me :D

My Mental Health Day

Yesterday i took a mental health day, skipped me first class because i was too tired and worked up to go. Went to the library with the anticipation of going to my second and final class of the day but decided to skip that and skip the gym... I know me skipping the gym shocker lol. i was so tired and my friend was as well that it would have been a most unproductive workout ever. Instead we came home, i worked on my assignment that's due today and was watching some stuff online to help with the bad mood. It helped a little, looking forward to going home, and not necessarily sleeping in but not having to go to school lol. Might need to help my mom get some things done, but need to decide what i'm going to do with my week off in-terms of school stuff, need to decided on a topic for my Mythology class and then need to do research for my environmental geography class as the paper is due soon after the break, and lots and lots of reading. Hmm.... that's a lot of shit to do in one week but don't have much of a choice. Thinking of doing a few library dates with my friend, it will allow me to get out of the house a bit, do something with a friend while getting some work done. Hopefully my mom won't object to it, too much, she can be odd like that sometimes. I'm feeling ok today, have my drs. appt tomorrow at 1.45 hope its on time, cause i told m parents/dad to pick me up at 5pm tomorrow, which means i got to do some packing tonight after the gym. Oh so i had this weird dream that i was talking to my doctor and everything was going fine, and as i was about to talk out she pulled up my file on my computer and saw all the letters i'd sent to my T and stuff and she was like we need to consult a physician and i thought that meant that i needed to go IP and i was freaking out and she was like can you promise not to harm yourself until our next appt i was like ok, and then realized that our next appt wasn't till like a month, and she was giving me all these odd advice and stuff.... in short it was messed up, but on the bright side, i did sleep, and decently enough that i'm not too tired and cranky and i can tolerate people today *yay*.

Sluggish Tuesday

Thanks for the comments, i know you're right. I emailed my T and i explained to her that honestly i want to get help that i'm just scared. Scared of failing, scared of myself and what it might mean, and i'm scared of labeling myself as having an eating disorder cause then it means i'm really sick and its not just all in my head. Didn't get much sleep last night, went to bed at 2am, and had some really messed up dreams about Eating Disorders. Also took a little too many laxative pills, i mean there was about 5hrs between the 2 sets but i don't think my tummy is to happy with me. So going to try and take it easy on it today, will start with some tea and see how my tummy feels before i attempt to eat anything. Feeling weird, had the strangest talk with my friend last night, laughed a lot it was funny and good, but also sad when i look back on the conversation cause it was not things we were supposed to be laughing about. But it was nice to laugh period. Tired don't want to go to class but i'm already up so might as well, and its only one class and it will help me decide what i want to write on for the assignment tomorrow and then i can come home and nap, or go to bed early. Either way i need to go to class and i've already done the reading so might as well right? Tomorrow is a different story considering skipping the whole day and then just coming for the gym but i know if won't get anything done if i stay home and time goes quicker when i'm at uni. Will hopefully get a response back from my T either today or tomorrow so it will be interesting to see what if anything she says/thinks.

Even more uncertainty....

I think that part of my being ambivalent has to do with the fact that i feel like I've dug myself in so deep that i don't see a way out and i don't know if i necessarily want a way out, at least not yet. For the first time in a while things are sort of in my control, and I've been able to hold to my routine for a really long time. The anxiety that arises out of trying to eat even a little bit more, (something as simple as adding breakfast into my schedule or another snack) is not something i can handle right now. The pills are like a get out a jail free card, its like if i eat too much then i always have a way out of it, a way to get rid of the feeling that eating = getting fat. The promise of being able to disappear is so appealing to me right now that i can't seem to find a way out, or the motivation to change anything despite the physical symptoms. The level of frustration I'm experiencing is more than normal, the slightest things ticking me off. One of the options that Dr. L proposed was to call T and enroll in the ED program, but of course that would mean more appointments and more disruption for my routine, and I'm not sure if it's really worth it when i'm only here till April 19th. The sense of failure in not being able to accomplish my goal i think is something that is driving or as you would say adding to the precipitating factors of my ED. Sometimes it does scare me how ambivalent i am about something that is well having such adverse effects on my health, but i think its partly because i don't really see an alternative. I've been through this cycle a few times where things get worse, then they get better and but eventually they get worse again. So whats or rather who is to say that if i do get help now, that things will stay better, there is no grantee that I'm not going to relapse. There is always that possibility (and yes i know this is very all or nothing thinking), but its sort of like why not stick with the ED for as long as i can if there is no guarantee that things will stay better once/if i get treatment. I think also this has become a sort of challenge or a game to me. Its sort of how long can you last, how long can you play this game until things get to a point where you can't handle it anymore, and i feel like if i stop now, if i stop playing this game then somehow i've failed myself. There is also the notion that despite everything that is going on in terms of the physical symptoms there is still this feeling that i'm not sick enough, that things aren't as bad, because like i said my BMI is normal and i'm pretty sure that i haven't lost any weight, and if i have not a drastic enough amount to really rouse concern from anyone. So its like as long as i'm still this weight then it means i don't have an ED because you can't be this weight and consider yourself to have an ED. i'm not sure if that makes any sense but that is where my thought pattern usually goes when i think of getting treatment, of getting out, and i guess that is the dominant thought pattern right now, and i'm not sure i can break free from it. I feel like the sides have merged, and its become really hard for me to discern which voice is which. I also know that an in-patient hospital program is not really an option i want to choose right now being in my last semester, there is too much at steak for me academically to even think about it....

Quick Update

Happy Valentines day to all my readers :)

My Therapist appointment went, fine talked about my being ambivalent and how that is because the ED voices are so strong. Talked about the precipitation factors of my ED and how it is basically a way to numb myself not to feel emotions and there could be other more healthy ways of going about it. It was strange, we were talking about the impact my ED had on me psychologically, emotionally, physically, socially and and academically, but i was sort of w/e about the whole thing. My therapist thinks that I'm minimizing things, -i.e when i said that i see this as having only been going for about a month maybe 2 now, she sees it as going on much longer- there's not much to say really, nothing changed it was a quick appointment, nothing new emerged from it. Have a week off from seeing her then i see her two weeks in a row. Drs appt. Friday, my T said i should ask if there are times when because of physical health people are put IP regardless of BMI, also if there are things that i wouldn't be able to notice ( warning signs that things are getting worse that aren't manifested physically) just so i have a better idea of what road i'm heading down.

Ambivalence

I am ambivalent right now, not sure if i want to get better or not. Choice is still mine. Keep cooking and baking but not eating very much at all. Took all 3 pills today for the first time in about a week, and i could feel the combined effect of them all. Tired, spent most of my day talking to a friend but didn't get much reading done. Tomorrow will be  a get up early day get as much done as possible go to bed early, cause i have a Therapist appt at 9.30 and i need to be fully awake for it. Feeling a bit meh and wondering if my ambivalence is because i'm scared to stop and think of the weight of my actions and if i do that i'll be too paralyzed by fear to really do anything. So for now i'm just surviving, pushing through sort of wondering when the day will come when i can't push through any longer. Lets hope it never comes......

Medical Update

Meeting went ok i guess, took longer than the usual 30mins appt, we spent like maybe an hr + talking her just trying to get a sense of where i am right now. I have three options 1.) continue out-patient stuff, seeing her my Dr, and my therapist 2.) inpatient hospital (4 weeks min), and 3.) continue out-patient with added appointments from an ED specialized out-patient program, I'd need to see a nutritionist and another therapist while still seeing my current team, right now everything is still my choice until my BMI is like 11 then i don't have a choice, but obviously my psychologist thinks i need to start getting better now rather than later, cause the longer i wait the harder it will be. Still haven't made any choices, but now I'm pretty sure that my T, psych and Dr. will always be on the same page now, as she's calling my T to let her know what the outcome of our meeting was. I'm not really scared anymore which is good cause i know I'm safe for a while in terms of not being put IP or anything, which is good, emm i have to continue seeing my Dr because my psych says she needs to monitor things like blood work and ECG because those are what will be the indicators of my symptoms getting worse. I think I'm going to wait till reading week to see if things improve or not before i make any major decisions. May cut down on the laxatives if nothing else. so friking overwhelmed right now but yeah, feeling a bit better and a little bit at ease than i was at the beginning of the week. Not sure if thats a good thing or bad thing.

Scared

Saw my therapist today and lets just say I'm left feeling a bit scared. Basically she is super worried about me and even though i said that i was going to be honest with my appt w/ my psychologist on wed, she still feels the need to talk to her, ( its not that she doesn't trust me), its more just she wants to convey her concerns i guess. shes worried about me and thinks that i might end up doing some serious damage to my body if i don't stop using the pills, stop puring and start eating better. She's going to talk to my psychologist, cause she is that worried about things, and basically she said that if i can't get better on my own i'll have to go to the hospital, like an ED program, and i mean the decision is still mine right now, but if i ever end up in the hospital for w/e reason like chest pains or something then i can say goodbye to my choice to not go IP. Want to crawl into a whole and just stop living right now, just want to disappear and yeah dunno, feeling a bit sad and scared right now. Not really sure what to do with myself, everything seems insignificant compared to this.

IP= Inpatient 

Simply Saturday

Next week is going to be super busy but i will be glad when it is finally over. It shouldn't be too bad i hope, my plan is to get as much of the reading done this weekend which will hopefully make things easier for the week but we'll see. Feeling a bit nervous/scared about the letter i wrote to my T, it was a spur of the moment decision, and i was so honest i don't know if i like that *sigh*... in other non depressing news lol, I'm also going to watch the super bowl, not a football fan ( more of a rugby and soccer fan)- but its a chance to chill with my friend J and hang out and eat unhealthy food, and we're making everything ourselves, its sort of become a tradition now lol. Maybe it will continue who knows, but it'd be cool if we made it an annual thing, this is the third year we've done it so we'll see. I really enjoy spending time with my friend J, when i'm having a crappy day she can make me feel soo much better, and she just i don't know, she knows a lot about me, about what happened when i was younger, and we hardly ever get into a fight at all lol. Shes the only one of my friends/roommates i spend a lot of time with lol, we plan our days around each others schedule so we can hang out together, go to the gym and even study together :)., so I'm excited for Sunday and just making stuff together and hanging out.

Series of Pictures found on Photobucket. Love their anime section, and these pictures speak to how i feel today...

sometimes i look at myself and think what happened, what changed between then and now, why did i change. What was so hard about being here, about coming to Canada that accelerated my depression. If we'd stayed where we were would i have felt better, would i have felt like i belonged or would i still feel like i was the misfit, like i didn't belong culture wise, or just in general. Half the things my friends care about or talk about i have no clue. I seem to live in this sheltered world that is full of pain and frustrating and anger. Sometimes i just want to disappear, seize to exist. I'm already invisible to everyone around me, so why can't i just shrink into nothingness, get to small that it becomes even easier for people not to notice me. I'm quiet, withdrawn and spend so much time alone, you get used to it being the youngest and you crave it, I'm not withdrawing into myself, i am already withdrawn, i am already quiet, i am already broken and no one and nothing can fix that. I was broken the day H & A left, i was broken when E left, i was broken when i spent my long weekends home form school w/o you, when i didn't see u during the holidays, i was broken when C decided to give up on herself and her life, i was broken when C tired to commit suicide and asked me to let her die. I was broken when L today me to let her go so she can commit suicide over a guy. I was broken when i saw C's current pictures of how anorexic  she is now, and how deluded she is in her quest to lose weight. I was broken when i saw someone in the gym that reminded me of her, and just how sick she was and how that could be one day if I'm not careful. It made me sad, made me want to cry right there and then but i held it together. I am broken and there is nothing that can fix me, years of fighting to be strong for others, to be there when they needed me, and now i can't be strong, i give up, i want out of this hell that is my life, I want to end it all. I wish i had the courage to go through with my SU plans. When i was in 1'st or 2'nd year i used to flirt with ways to commit SU, one of my favourites was to run a bath and then to see how long i could hold my breath under for, i know that's a painful way to die, but it was just a thought, i wouldn't OD cause the survival rate for that is too high, I'd probably slit my wrists if i wasn't such a wimp, wish i could go deep enough to require stitches, even if its just once you know? sorry for that string of depressing thoughts, i suppress it so long sometimes I'm unaware of how depressed i am.

TC my lovely readers, and special thanks to all those who comment. (I'm ok I'm safe so don't worry about me)

End of yet another week

So today was pretty dry and boring and long, classes were not interesting, i spent half my time confused,or doing other things. Wrote just over two pages worth of stuff to my therapist last night, and then handed it in to her office today, didn't think she was going to respond but she did, I'm going to see her on Monday at 3.30, its good timing cause I'll already be done classes and my group meeting so its like perfect timing. Kind of nervous thought cause i was brutally honest with how i was feeling. I don't remember all of what i wrote, but i told her about the purging and laxatives, about the diet pills, about the cutting being more anger driven than anxiety, about the increased physical symptoms like chest pains being a constant, feeling nauseous, and dizzy all the time. My body is just i don't know, reacting very negatively to what I'm doing to it and i have to take pills to help me sleep, and i know part of it the lack of sleeping has to do with having to take the dog out early, but I'm going to bed earlier and stuff but just not sleeping well. I only went to the gym once this week cause i didn't feel like going today, I'm to tired, and wed was a snow day. More than anything i think the frustrating thing or part is the irritation and short temper, I've been very moody and angry the last couple of days and i feel bad for the dog cause i think she takes the brunt of my anger when she's acting out. Of course shes oblivious to my bad mood and just does what puppies do lol, and my yelling at her doesn't make a difference. I want to cut and/or bang my head against a wall repeatedly, that's how restless and frustrated i am, i think part of it is not doing much if any hmwk tonight but i need a day off, I'm tired and frustrated and i don't know what to do. Going to make sure that i get enough sleep tonight and get reading done early tomorrow that's the key to start early, not turn the TV on and just read until i can't read anymore. Need to work on my presentation as well and finish that book. *sigh* so much to do so overwhelmed, so sad need/want an escape so bad.

Tired...

Body aches, heartburn and just generally tired and binged today. Joys of snow days... Heading off to bed now, will update my food log as its been a while and hopefully read another like 30pages so that i'm all caught up in another class and only have to worry about the other two... so much reading to do, not enough time and i have to change my therapist appointment tomorrow as well cause its right before the day i have my mid-term so yeah soo not cool at all. Ergg life pretty much sucks right now and i ended up cutting, just one cut on the wrist so not a big deal didn't even notice it when i was showering....

Thanks to everyone or anyone who reads and comments i really appreciate it *hugs*

 Rose- here is the link for the player http://www.playlist.com/user/login you'll need to create an account but its totally worth it. and its free.

Snow Day!!

Woke up at 7am to check cause my alarm went off to take the dog out, and school was closed yay... downside of that though is that i feel uber lazy and i don't get to exercise cause the gym will be closed and its not the best day to go out in, unless you absolutely have to.  Managed to get an estimation as to how many calories are in the baking i did yesterday and the day before and they are not bad, could be much worse i guess. Its all dried fruits, nuts and oats and healthy stuff non of it has any oil in it. Only one recipe has butter, and the only other unhealthy thing is the sugar, might reduce that next time or keep it as is not sure. But really don't want to eat anymore today, had two small muffins and a hot chocolate and its about lunch time but don't feel like being healthy and eating, problem is, I'm  getting headache and chest pains, and I'm lacking sleep and totally out of it. Wow can't believe its already Wed and that its only a week till my appt with my Psychologist, kind of scar who fast the time has gone. Only 2 more weeks till my reading week ( a whole week off of school will be nice). Need to figure out when the Job fair is, as i have to do to that. I think it might be this week that's coming. Busy Busy Busy..... sooo sooo tired though, need sleep. Definitely more sleep.. still want to cut but trying to put it off as long as possible.

Late Night Update

finished one book, so I'm sort of caught up in that class, looks like there might be a few more late nights for me this week, but better this week than next. Managed not to cut so far still hoping for a snow day but don't think that's going to happen. Need to get my things together and head to bed now, will update later today as its currently 1.22am over here.

Overwhelmingly Frustrating Tuesday

I'm so friking stressed out and so overwhelmed. Have to do so much reading this week, have an assignment next week due on wed, have an appointment right after the class that the assignment is due,  then a presentation on Thursday and a mid-term on Friday. FML was supposed to see my T next week but can't because it is right before class and its on the Friday of the mid-term and i need that time to do some last minute studying and preparation. I really want to cut, i'm not anxious at all just stressed and overwhelmed and i feel like cutting will make me feel better. Need to call my mom tonight and tell her that i can't come home this weekend as planned because i have too much to do next week and i need my weekend to prepare. I need to go to the library on Saturday at least and can't do that if i'm home and i need to get things done on Friday or even if its just online stuff. *sigh*. Think i might leave writing/researching for my post this week till tomorrow during my break, as it is easier for me to do it then. I'm sad, frustrated, tried, overwehlmed, and depressed what a combination. Just want to crawl up in a ball and cry and just not go anywhere for the next few days. *screams at the top of her lungs* wish i could do that in real life, but afraid my roommates won't a.) appreciate it and b.) will look at me strangely. That's it for now ,feel a bit better posting this but not by much.

Dog Sitting + Homework= Complete fail

Dog sitting for about a week and its seriously hampering my ability to focus and get things done. Super tired and stressed out and the Dog bit me today, my own fault should have just left her alone when she got aggravated but was worried about her paws :(.... To more important new, i bought a new pill yesterday it gives me major heart burn but its supposed to help with weight loss, while forming lean muscle mass, so that means i took a total of 6 pills today. Wow i swear I'm becoming a pill addict. Two Diuretics, Two Lean + pills, and Two laxatives (spread out throughout the day), but still that's a shit load of unnecessary pills to take. Tired need to go read for class so have to put the dog in her cage now, shes  passed out on the floor neways, so shouldn't be too much of a problem for her..... Have to be up at 7am to take her to the bathroom so yeah, need to really stop typing get up and do what i need to before i have to go to bed.... Will post more tomorrow hopefully and maybe i'll post something more interesting and maybe a picture of my Dog.. Night all, hope you're doing ok.

Busy Friday

Spent most of today getting things done to help my mom prepare for her trade show week. This meant cooking, lifting boxes, carrying boxes, packing and then unpacking boxes and standing from 6-11pm. I'm exhausted, been up since 8am and need to be up by 6am tomorrow to get there by 7am to finish setting up, we have till 1pm and we still have a lot to do so yeah not fun at all. I think i'm dehydrated as well which is not good, but w/e will try drinking some water tonight but i hate having to get up to use the bathroom in the night esp when i'm on my period, anyways its currently 1.16am over here and i need to attempt to sleep so i think i shall have to say goodnight and will post more tomorrow

Uneventful Thursday

Today has been uneventful, was supposed to try and eat normally today but gave that idea up when i stepped on the scale, but figured the weight gain is from my period and bloating because of my period and the fact that i had just eaten. I'm tired and a bit nauseous and serious cramps because of my period which sucks. Other than that i'm ok nothing special happened today turned in one assignment have to work on another one, tonight and Saturday. Emailed my T yesterday and haven't gotten a response back, but i think she might be away till Tuesday of next week. My mood is pretty low, and I'm feeling sad, really feel like cutting but can't, yeah don't know just feeling very depressed and annoyed and just hating being home i guess and eating. esp eating.

Wretched Wed

So after my high from my appointment i crashed and now my mood is beyond low. Didn't sleep well at all last night, and i don't know just kept thinking about how much of a failure i was cause i wasn't able to do the complete set of Push-ups and crunches i usually do, partly because i was so tired but also my arms just wouldn't let me, i spent like 2hrs making dough yesterday and that involves a lot of kneading, and it takes a lot out of your arms *sigh*... Anyways i woke up in a very bad mood, and I'm feeling very very sad, and just listening to depressing music. I was thinking last night in between strings of consciousness how much self-hatred i have for myself, how much i hate my body and the way i see myself. Its been a long time coming, a long time brewing, but I've just never felt attractive. I used to be such a skinny small kid when i was growing up and I'm just not that person anymore, esp since i hut puberty, i mean I'm lower than when i was when i hit puberty but its just not enough .....

Sometimes i feel like that image that idea i had about myself was well simply a dream. Like i have this unattainable unreachable goal in my head.  When i was talking to my T yesterday about wanting to be a certain weight, she was thinking it was like 2-3lbs at most and I was like  look K, its not 1 or 2lbs its 18lbs of weight that is a lot, and she was like yes that is a lot. And she was like and you think you can achieve this weight w/o doing physical harm to yourself or your body? And i was like yeah, she disagrees but all medical professionals would but w/e right? its my body my life.... thought at times it feels like i'm living in a dream world, just going through the motions .....

I'm just i don't know, sad, and depressed, and i know a lot has to do with how much i have to get done tonight but still.... i was just thinking today how much time i spend thinking about food, about calories, about trying to burn them, about how much space my ED takes in my life, how much time i spend thinking about very insignificant things in my life. Sometimes on days like today i just want to curl up in bed and just never get up, i just want to escape from the world and be in my own little world. Where i can be perfect, where things don't matter, and just where life seems to be much better than it is now.

But of course thats not possible. I have to get up every day and pretend like everything is ok. Like i'm not living in a constant state of hell, like i don't have all this self-hatred for myself, like going to the gym and running so hard is not an attempt to punish myself and my body in other ways apart from cutting. The only thing stopping me form cutting right now is the scars, most of them have faded but i can still see them cause i know where i cut and i have to go home tomorrow so that isn't even an option right now. I just really hate life right now, and i'm just pushing through, just stumbling from day to day, living in the moment or trying to as everything passes me by, as time seems to tick along, day in day out, going tick tock, tick, tock.....  There are days where i just feel like this....

And today is one of those days.... just feeling so broken and defeated. So tired, bruised and abused and i know a lot of the abuse has to do with the way i treat my body, and the things I'm doing to it because of my ED. One day I'd like to wake up and be happy, to not be in pain, to not have chest pains or a headache, and to just be you know.... Enough whining....

Lyric of the Day comes from one of the songs on my player but it described how i'm feeling right now....

I will not Bow - Breaking Benjamin

Fall!

Now The dark begins to rise, save your breath it's far from over

Leave the lost and dead behind, nows your chance to run for cover

I don't want to change the world, I just want to leave it colder

Light the fuse and burn it up, take the path that leads to nowhere

All is lost again, but I'm not giving in

I Will Not Bow, I Will Not Break

I Will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

Fall!

Watch the end from dying eyes, now the dark is taking over

Show me where forever dies

Take the fall and run to heaven

All is lost again but I'm not giving in

I will not bow, I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid I have lost the will to change

And I am not proud, cold blooded, fake

I will shut the world away

I will not bow, I will not break

I will shut the world away

I will not fall, I will not fade

I will take your breath away

And I'll survive, paranoid

I have lost the will to change and I am not proud, cold blooded, fake

I will shut the world away

Fall!

Shitty Night

Did not end well, binged after dinner... took laxatives so hopefully won't gain, i know I'm taking them too often but w/e, i don't really care, Thursday is going to be a fast till dinner, I'll allow myself my usual cup of hot chocolate and if I'm feeling dizzy then I'll also add some crystal light to water. I know its good i ate, but i really don't want to be eating when I'm not hungry as it pisses me off. My chest is still hurting, I'm tired so I've got nothing done and i have soo soo much to do... shoot me now please, can i just disappear from this hell that is called life?? I think sometimes the smaller i get the easier it will be to disappear to be less visible, to be even less noticed... sigh.. too tired to even do my usual crunches=fail

Quick Update

Today is ok, nothing special happened. Talked to my T and we went way over time lol like 1/2 more than normal, neways i explained a lot to her, how i felt about certain things and just how my dr was really not hearing me, and not listening to me. I expressed how i felt about my weight and part of the reason why i wanted to lose so much weight  and it felt good. to admit that i wasn't ok and that things were spiraling out of control and to explain why they were. She's concerned about me but not to the point where she feels the need to talk to my psych about me yet, so that's always a good sign cause it means i can pick and choose what i tell her. My session today with my T made me realize why i keep seeing her and that's because she can be a really good listener and she pushes me to explain things, she asks for clarification when she's not sure she heard me right and she challenges me to want to get better. She questions and calls me out on my need for control while still asserting that it is out of concern for me and my low intake and my body than anything else. In short it was nice to get everything out, it was good to talk, to not hold it in any longer and now i feel like I'm free of this dirty little secrete that I've been carrying around with me. I'm still going to be restricting and over exercising and restricting, but now i know someone knows, and I almost feel like the responsibility is no longer mine lol, she can do w/e she wants with the information but its like i don't have to hold it all in anymore. Sorry for the ramble but yeah in a good mood tonight, even if my ex is being a fucking asshole about coming to collect something as simple as a firkin toaster *rolls eyes* men pffttt..... but I've decided to let it go nothing can ruin my good mood today. *knock on wood lol*

Rest of Monday

So the rest of today went ok. Went to the gym, didn't get as much done as i wanted but i just was physically incapable of doing it then, so i allowed myself to not to my usual floor work which was fine. Came home showered and went out for dinner (burger and onion rings) made some lunch for tomorrow which i may not eat thinking it might be a liquid fast till dinner, not quite sure yet as i'm staying late in school. Then made 1/2 a cake will make the other half tomorrow, its like a sponge cake that i'm going to fill the middle w/ Jam and whipped cream, its super unhealthy but its my one indulgence as i've been craving sweets a lot and its getting close to my period so i need something unhealthy hehe. Anyways rest of the day went fine i guess, not much else happened, did my 100 crunches and push-ups(on knees), the push-ups seem to be the hardest. Will attempt to go to bed now, have my appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon, will let you know how that goes. Back is hurting me, as well as my arms, not feeling dizzy anymore but that's been replaced with a sore throat and constant chest pains.. oh well such is life when you have an ED....

Sucky Mondays

What a way to start my week. Woke up tired, sick and moody. Can't stand to be around people today or to be in classes, very frustrated and tired and weak, there has been a few time today where i thought my knees were going to buckle on me. Drinking Juice, had drunk hot chocolate today but neither one of those things seem to be having much effect. Also so from all the push-ups and crunches I've been doing. Hurts to cough because my stomach muscles are sore but hoping they will go away with time. To top i all off i'm freezing cold.. i mean its cold here neways but i'm even colder than usual...... fml..... i don't want to be here this week and can't wait till it comes to an end cause its a shitty school week full of assignments

First Impressions

Hello my fellow bloggers, first of all i just wanted to say thank you to all those who follow me and an extra special thanks for everyone who leaves comments. It's nice to see other reading and commenting. I just realized that to many of you i may come off as this whiny depressed kid, and let me tell you that is definitely not who i am. Well first of all i'm not kid, as i'm currently 21 so i guess I'm technically a young adult, so a young woman, but that's a debate for another day lol. I just wanted to say this, there are a lot of things that i am thankful for in my life, and i've been through a lot over the years and I've had to move so many times in my life (with both good and bad experiences) but i'm very thankful for everything my parents have done for me in my life and all the sacrifices they have had to make on our behalf and i don't grudge them at all for the decisions they made at the time. But this last year has been really hard for me, with a major relationship ( my first real relationship on more than one level or rather in more than one way) and it hurt, and i'm still trying to heal from that. Also I've been cursed with a pretty good memory when it comes to remembering things that are insignificant and I'm very good at memorizing or remembering exact words and sentences people used in conversation, but the really important stuff, all the childhood memories, for the most part for me are all blured. I had a great childhood for the most part but i was SA by a couple of my cousins when i was younger and the negative reaction of my mom when she found out has left some irreversible damage and  i don't blame her for reacting the way she did because the way she found out was complicated and she didn't get the full picture until the day after she reacted. What's my point in this post?? Well I'm a fun loving person usually, but right now I'm just buried under a shit load of depression and anger and frustrating and ED, so my cherry normal self isn't showing up. I shall try to maybe discuss some less heavy subjects sometimes, maybe crack a joke here and there and just make this blog a true reflection of who i am rather than my "dark side"

Terryfyingly Strange Night

So had the strangest dream last night. Didn't sleep very well, but i think it was because of the pill i took yesterday. I'm still getting used to having that much caffeine in my system so i didn't sleep at all and then i had a really scary dream. I dreamt that i had lost so much weight that my parents sent me IP. I cried and tried to get out of it, but they wouldn't budge, and i was terrified, it was my last semester in university and i didn't want to screw up my chance of graduating. I didn't think that i could simply defer a whole semester and i didn't want to not graduate in April... and the ED place didn't have any way for me to complete my education while IP, and strangely enough they never weighed me, neither did they ever weigh me, and i went home at one point and came back and i wanted to switch to one closer to school, and my dad was in support of me but my mom was not, and yeah nevertheless to say it was not a pleasant dream and now i'm scared that its a sign of something that's going to happen.... Been binging all day, will take a laxative soon, can't stand that this may be in my body for the rest of the day... need to buy more soon... Hate being home (parents house) on the weekend, my whole diet goes out the window... trying not to purge today because of my chest but we'll see

Water pills are pills which tell the kidneys to express sodium from the body, causing an excretion of excess water as well. They are more properly known as diuretics. I don't take  them consistently cause they mess u up lol, they affect sleep if you take them too late so i'm trying to stagger them (one pill contains more caffeine than i would normally take). What do you mean by the liquid one?? If there is a liquid version and  its better or less dangerous i don't mind switching.... 


My tongue is a bit swollen, not sure if its dehydration or from purging or eating something hot... will have some ice cream when my mom goes up... although its fattening hoping it will help with the swelling of the throat and tongue. Does anyone get these symptoms after purging?

It's Working!!

So i weighed myself tonight and i'm down to 128.5 from the 133 i weighed on the home scale last weekend so w/e i must be doing is finally paying off. I had dinner tonight a normal amount and then i purged and now my chest hurts even more than before. This is day two of purging after dinner. Its like why do i even bother to eat normally when i know i'll purge because i feel too full and uncomfortable. Oh well at least i've lost weight that's what matters right?

I think i might have hurt my ribs, it hurts when i purge, had to stop myself cause it was hurting so much... its ok now but i also noticed that i was hurting when i was running today, and my throat is all raw, forgot how it felt to purge i went for so long w/o ding it but not it just seems inevitable even expected. 

Infuriating Friday

Feeling a bit under the weather and still not sure if i should be going tot he gym or not... not even sure i want to go to my second class... not really motivated right now and feeling a bit sick and just blah.... feeling very sluggish but a part of me feels like I'm going to fail if i don't go today. Mind u i went swimming yesterday and i thought i was going to pass out by the end of it which I'm sure it has something to do with how I'm feeling today. My chest is still hurting a little, think i bruised it, didn't help that i purged last night.. my throat is feeling a bit raw too so yeah not good. Don't known whats happening to me. Things just seem to be snow balling out of control and i'm just watching myself go further and further into places i thought I'd never go like using lax or water pills, and using them consistently. Watching myself start to obsesses over exercise, the little voice in my head getting stronger and stronger. I've been feeling like throwing up since i got up this morning and i haven't had anything to eat as of yet. Obsessing over calories, when i was trying to pack my lunch, making mental notes that i need to get low calorie snacks because i know what I'm eating is not enough but everything i pick up seems too high. Can't even justify eating a friking chewy (granola) bar with myself. Juice unless its boxed, is simply a no go, and I'm starting to just really get worse fast and i don't know what to do. But i think I've pretty much decided to go to the gym, its a cold and if I cop out every-time I'm sick then yeah I'm never going to do that. Yesterday intake was high but took a lax pill and so i don't feel too bad i guess. Still under a1000cal so that's good, took the water pills today, will be taking them over the weekend, or maybe switch between them and lax not sure. Will need to buy new lax pills at some point probably Monday or Tuesday. Might do them Tuesday, go to the mall early and get a scale or go after class, and drop it off at home then come back to the gym..... not sure what the plan is yet, but i will get a scale next week for sure. So tired of not being able to weigh myself. If you (my fellow readers) know any good brands for scales let me know cause I'm clueless as to how to shop for one, but know that i am on a limited budget so price is an issue.

Tired Thursday

I didn't sleep at all last night, was up till about 1.30-2.00am and then was up at around 8am so not a good nights sleep at all. I'm wondering if its because of the pill because it has as much caffeine as a cup of coffee and i don't usually drink that much caffeine in a day....i ate breakfast this morning I'll be it really unhealthy but after walking around in the cold for 30min with a heavy shoulder bag and feeling like i was going to pass out i felt like i needed to have something so i indulged a little. Hoping that i can just carry on my day as planned as lunch isn't really big and its super healthy but we'll see...... My chest is still hurting a little but its getting better.... i didn't take the pill this morning so I'm going to see if it helps with feeling better. Plan to go swimming tonight and i have to go home this weekend (which wasn't planned but mom needs my help so I'm going to go and help her) which means i need to get shit done tonight, and tomorrow afternoon, so no messing around for me. I did some reading last night when i couldn't sleep so I'm no longer as far behind as i was but still behind non the less... will try and catch up today and have the gym tomorrow afternoon after class, and then home for the weekend, so that means no studying till Sunday night which is I'm not sure lol we'll see. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon. Keeping track of everything i eat in relation to exercise so i have a better idea of what is going on with the ED, and yesterdays final intake was pretty low when u take away how much i burned from exercising so it might be why I'm still having lingering pain, combined with a lack of sleep and even more exercise today we shall see how I'm doing by the end of the day.

Exercising Mishap

So had the gym today, did pretty well was able to push myself and i enjoyed it, didn't think i was working to hard but when i got off the elliptical i was pretty unsteady and thought i was going to pass out. To make things worse, i'm still having a bit of pain or weird feeling in my chest and i know its directly related to exercise cause i'm still feeling like passing out. So all in all not doing so well have eaten a yogurt and am currently sipping water with crystal light to help get my electrolytes back up as i'm hoping that that is the problem..... I've felt like this before but not to this extent, and not for this long some crystal light water usually fixes the problem but not today apparently. I was so proud earlier being able to run when i was on the treadmill but if i come home feeling like this all the time i don't think its very good for my heart. The only consolation is that it is a dull pain rather than sharp and its in the middle of my chest rather than to one side or the other which means it can't be my heart at least thats what i'm hoping. Neways yeah..... not a good end to the day....

It's a New Day

So my day yesterday was totally, shitty, so I've labeled my post appropriately as today signifies the start of a new me, a new day. It doesn't have to be the beginning of the week for me to start over so today is well my starting over day.

Lyrics by Plumb (Cure &Endure)

While i was reading another blog something the person wrote struck me, the various assumptions that we carry around of other people myself included. I think its part of human nature that we on sight judge and assume things about people upon our first encounter of them. I myself am guilty of this, guilty of judging and labeling someone, a friend or a complete stranger before I even really get to know them. I know how much it bugs me when people make assumptions about me.

My parents are fond of this and so are my brothers and it ticks me off to no end. I may be quiet and withdrawn when I'm around you but that doesn't mean that i am not fun our outgoing, or that i can't be happy. It's just when you spend enough time alone as a little kid, you learn to entertain yourself, you learn to take comfort in being alone. Just because i don't want to talk to my cousins, people who i barley know, and who are so much older than me that we couldn't possibly have anything in common doesn't mean i don't care, or that i'm antisocial. I'm constantly being told by my parents that i don't have enough confidence in myself, that i should trust my judgement more often, but it is hard to do that when you refuse to let me grow up. They (i.e. my mom) refuses to let me make mistakes on my own, or second guesses every decision that i make. Yes sometimes it is out of fear, but that doesn't mean that i won't ever do what it is i wanted to do, it just means that it is on hold for now, until i fell ready to take on w/e it is that i wanted to do. Its just so frustrating sometimes.


Anyways today marks a day of change, a day of self-discipline and endurance. Bought a water pill today and started taking it, also off my anxiety meds and not sure if its actually affecting me yet or if its the water pills cause they have caffeine in them are you're not supposed to take them with caffeine but i had a tea afterward (woops)., but i need my morning cup of tea to get me through the day.....

My ex is coming to pick something up from me today, later in the evening and I'm just hoping that seeing him won't make me spiral out of control, I'm trying so hard to forget him and not talk to him and just try and forget he ever existed (his idea not mine), but it seems to be harder than usual. I don't talk or text him anymore, and barley ever email him except the few times that i needed him to come get his stuff from my garage, so yeah we'll see.  Been feeling kind of sad and depressed after my Drs. appointment and just sort of feeling like everyone who is supposed to be supporting me regardless of if I'm ready to get better or not is like do w/e you want and deal with the consequences after, or i don't have time for you so I'll just recommend this group for you so i don't have to deal with your anxiety. Very frustrated and angry right now too, hope these feelings will pass soon.....

P.S- if you're reading just post a comment to say you're reading so i know i'm not just blogging to no audience. Thanks to anyone who reads this.