************************TRIGS SI/SU/ED****************************
As of today can safely say that there are two major things or triggers that are fueling my ED. The first is the sexual abuse that happened when i was younger, my reaction to it and subsequent actions and my refusal to deal with how its affected and/or affecting me right now. The second would be the recent termination of my first ever serious relationship and the feeling of being used. Both incidents lead me to feeling dirty, disgusting, used and unwanted. Both have had negative impacts in my life and i don't know how to talk about them or deal with them and keep myself safe. I know i don't want to carry this burden around with me forever. I don't want to be this way but whenever i look at myself at my body all i see is disgust. Despite my mom telling me that I'm too skinny, which i don't see it that way at all. Dr. L asked me what it'd take for me to give up my ED and the answer would be when i got to 100lbs my current goal weight.
the words choked in my throat unable to speak
stuck on constant replay images and thoughts float past.
The memories are everywhere.
Names, places, scents all trigger unwanted emotions,
stuck in my head analyzing details.
But all I'm left with is it's all my fault.
Told i was too young to understand.
Too young to really do anything.
So why do i feel so dirty?
so used, untouchable and damaged?
I am broken and irreplaceable.
Shattered to pieces never to be put back together
watch me drown in the sorrows that is my life.
I've been burdened with this secrete.
Burdened with images and thoughts.
all i want is to end it all
My ED is my shield,
protecting me from emotions and pain ,
without it i am simply broken and used.
I'm ME with my ED
To tell you the truth i don't know what I'm doing with my life. Feels like i have no direction no plan and its just yeah. I'm completely lost and scared. At a loss for what to do, who to turn to because no one knows . Days are fine but nights sometimes i feel like I'm fighting to stay alive, fighting to stay safe and be okay. There are nights like tonight where i want to end it all I can't say the thought and feelings of hopelessness don't scare me but its keeping me alive right now and i guess that's what matters?Thoughts of slitting my wrists and/or drowning are back in my head.Love my parents but how do you tell them that their only daughter is slowly killing herself and she is broken beyond repair? Damaged goods so to speak. I am human, somewhat whole, but irreparably broken.
1 comment:
Hang in their hun, everything that has happened was not your fault. Don't hurt yourself because others have hurt you. you dont deserve it. I know how u feel tho hugs xoxox
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