Growing Frustrations.....

Still here still hanging on, don't know if I'll ever be able to live for myself and what i want to do. Have so much to do but no motivation. Getting super stressed out about things, mainly school. Misread a due date so i have one less day than i thought i did, as well as having to keep up with the discussions for that class. feeling like I'm buried and its like the more i get done the more buried i get. Can't seem to find a way out, getting frustrated, irritated, tired and so close to breaking down completely to shutting everyone and everything out... i want to crawl into a hole and hide till all this is over. Maybe it will be better to just end it all? End this misery? Ahhhhh fuckkkkk.... getting anxious not a good feeling at all... being doing so good at keeping feelings at bay this term and would like to keep it that way...

Reason why i'm still here

The only reason why I'm still here is because i know the repercussions of my actions extend beyond my family ( beyond my friends, my parents and my siblings), my actions affect my aunts and uncles, they affect my cousins those that I've met and those that i have yet to meet. I don't want to leave behind the legacy of myself as being depressed, i don't want my cousins to remember me by the actions that i choose to commit. I don't want my parents to have to call my aunts my uncle, my grandma and tell them that i took my own life. That is the only thing keeping me here. I'm still struggling still pushing through, not sure for how much longer, but at least for now I'm here trying to live in the moment, taking each day as it comes, struggling, pushing, enduring because for now that's all i can do.

Conversation

An ongoing conversation with a friend over facebook...

Me: do you ever get the feeling that if you could purge yourself of everything, life would be so much better?

C: for sure! wouldn't it though? such a shame we cant! how are you doing today? i just got up.. i needed the extra sleep :P

Me: me not so good, tired frustrated and trying to study. Have this urge to write, but nothing seems to be coming out, nothing seems to make sense. How do you put to words this strange feelings of purging yourself of life, of thought, the physical action itself manifesting itself in different ways, through different means? How do you explain that? is it even explainable? the feeling like there's something inside that needs to come out, the idea of impurity and the need to be pure again to be whole? As if somehow you are fragmented that life is fragmented? Its unexplainable...instead its just this yearning for something more, this unexplainable desire to leave this place, this image that's stuck in your head of death of what it would be like to feel that slow release of everything that you have come to know. To take away the pain from yourself to seize to exist and live in limbo even if it is for that moment only. But then it shatters, the illusion and you come back to the reality, to life to the pain and the understanding that its not possible, and it breaks your heart. Its like waking up from a dream world, its like that dream, those thoughts are impossible to act out. They are irreconcilable with reality, with what we know as truth. But how to break free, how to step aside or apart from ourselves to look on and realize what needs to be done? is it even possible? those are the streams of thoughts in my head.

Purge Meets Death

I need a purge but not in the normal sense we think of it, at least not in the ED context. It serves the same function but different. I want to end it all, to find that sweet release, free of all the judgment and the pain and the frustrations. Life is not really worth it, not sure i want to stick around any longer to see the disappointment from others and to see myself fail at everything i try or don't try. In Short i want to say fuck it all, purge myself of this disgusting unclean feeling i get when i think of everything that I've been through, somehow feel dirty, tainted like i can never be loved, want to purge myself physically of the discomfort and feelings that come with eating and binging and such, fucking stressed out with school, and parents pissing me off, want to purge myself of this life and everything in it and seize to exist and just be or not be at all. so angry at myself, so much self-hate if i could, if i were such a chicken i'd take a blade and slice myself up so bad i'd be covered, i wouldn't care it would bring be sweet release... was reading a book for class and she talked about cutting open her veins and sitting in a bath of warm water and just letting yourself go and if i wasn't such a chicken i thought that would be the best way to go. 'd be warm and comfortable and i wouldn't be euphoric from all the loss of blood and the endorphins released i wouldn't feel anything......wish i was stronger to follow through to not cop out on plans solid or not they are my plans and i wish i could only follow through.

So not ok......

Honestly I'm not doing ok right now, thought i was but am not really. Weighed myself today and i had gained weight so not happy about that at all, which doesn't help with the frustration and fear that if i start eating again i'm going to gain weight. So its back to restricting and the pills. Took diuretics this morning and laxatives this evening, so hopefully tomorrow will provide relief for me. Going to alternate the days i use laxatives, so like an every other day thing. Today consisted of two meals, tomorrow will be one and it is possible as i'll be out of the house hopefully by 10am and be back at around 4pm and then we (mom, I and dog) have a graduation ceremony for the dog's Puppy class. Not sure when that is but will eat something small before or after the class which is about an hr. So if all goes too plan then i won't have to eat much tomorrow and/or for the rest of the week. Thursday i have a dentist appt at 12.30 so not going to eat anything before hand, might eat something after that not sure yet, depends on if i can make it out of the house or not. Wow can't believe tomorrow is mid week and i haven't gotten half the things i wanted to accomplish done . FML I'm so screwed for next week. Close to breaking down, and to screaming and saying fuck it all, kind of want to cut but I'm home, right now i really just don't give a dam and am so fucking irritated its even starting to piss me off. Dogs not doing so good, so mom and i have to look after her, so yeah.... blahhhh just not having a good week and my best friend is not having a good week and i think we trigger and encourage each other one even if we don't mean to, We disapprove of what we're doing to ourselves and we encourage the other person to eat but the fact that we're not eating makes us not listen to each other even though we know the other person is right. Sometimes i find myself so wrapped up in this world that it all becomes normal which is so not ok either. I am so screwed up its not even funny. Only 2mnths left of schl and no idea what I'm going to do when its all done and i don't have my support system in place, no one i can really vent to irl as not many ppl know or understand it. I try talking to my one housemate but shes like i believe in mind over matter, if you tell yourself you're going to be ok, then you will, but if you tell yourself you're not going to be ok then you won't. I'm like just because its a mental illness doesn't mean its just mind over matter, sometimes i want to tell her to STFU but i can't cause then i can't vent to her anymore lol.... i don't vent as often anymore which is good cause most of the time it doesn't help, and well my drs. a fucking idiot in my opinion and i don't know why i even bother seeing her, but oh well psychologist insists so that's why.

Here are a few pictures to brighten up my post....

New Belt - Not very good quality but gives u an ideal will post a better one in the next post or something.

Picture of my  Dog w/ the cone on her to stop her from licking her current wound......

The Joys of being home....

Feeling a bit ok, i guess, dunno, got nothing done today at all. Tired, been taking the dog out today as she's not feeling to good but shes getting better, may take a while to get herself back to normal. Today was unproductive and i'm freaking out, being at home downstairs is not working, i will get up early, shower, make my tea, take the dog out and i will go upstairs and study. Will try and do some reading tonight, hope that will help. Been eating normally ate three meals today, not very happy at all. Feel like i'm getting fat, gaining weight, though i'm trying to stop pills cause my skin is breaking out and i suspect that its either the pills or all the chocolate i ate last week so going off both for a while, well trying, hopefully can make it today w/o laxatives, since Friday i've only taken 2 which is a huge difference from last week. I'm very tired, so might try and head to be early we'll see. Really want to go back to restricting trying hard not to, but might give in tomorrow, as we'll be out by 11.00am cause the dog has grooming appt and the bagels are all gone so i'll be less likely to eat breakfast tomorrow.

And life goes on....

Not much to say, been binging all weekend, think i might go back to serious restricting tomorrow, its a holiday here but have to do some studying so will just spend as much time in my room as possible will have to take the dog out but those will be short breaks hopefully.....sooo tired too and sick... yeah not the most intresting post so far lol will do a better update tomorrow. 

Random thoughts

Its such a nice day outside that its put me in a good mood, though getting dressed today was friking hard, like none of my Jeans fit me properly they are all so big, and my hoodies, even ones i got at the end of last year are all too big for me, maybe its because i have less layers on as its nice outside? I don't know... but i definitley need to go shopping again, its quite annoying acctually as i just bought new jeans like last year at the end of the summer as they were having a sale and i needed new Jeans..... It didn't used to bother me before but now it really does cause i wanted to wear this new belt with my jeans but it wasn't sitting properly. I can't seem to find a picture anywhere so i'll take a picture and upload it when i get home later. But yeah in a happy cherry mood for once so yay me :D

My Mental Health Day

Yesterday i took a mental health day, skipped me first class because i was too tired and worked up to go. Went to the library with the anticipation of going to my second and final class of the day but decided to skip that and skip the gym... I know me skipping the gym shocker lol. i was so tired and my friend was as well that it would have been a most unproductive workout ever. Instead we came home, i worked on my assignment that's due today and was watching some stuff online to help with the bad mood. It helped a little, looking forward to going home, and not necessarily sleeping in but not having to go to school lol. Might need to help my mom get some things done, but need to decide what i'm going to do with my week off in-terms of school stuff, need to decided on a topic for my Mythology class and then need to do research for my environmental geography class as the paper is due soon after the break, and lots and lots of reading. Hmm.... that's a lot of shit to do in one week but don't have much of a choice. Thinking of doing a few library dates with my friend, it will allow me to get out of the house a bit, do something with a friend while getting some work done. Hopefully my mom won't object to it, too much, she can be odd like that sometimes. I'm feeling ok today, have my drs. appt tomorrow at 1.45 hope its on time, cause i told m parents/dad to pick me up at 5pm tomorrow, which means i got to do some packing tonight after the gym. Oh so i had this weird dream that i was talking to my doctor and everything was going fine, and as i was about to talk out she pulled up my file on my computer and saw all the letters i'd sent to my T and stuff and she was like we need to consult a physician and i thought that meant that i needed to go IP and i was freaking out and she was like can you promise not to harm yourself until our next appt i was like ok, and then realized that our next appt wasn't till like a month, and she was giving me all these odd advice and stuff.... in short it was messed up, but on the bright side, i did sleep, and decently enough that i'm not too tired and cranky and i can tolerate people today *yay*.

Sluggish Tuesday

Thanks for the comments, i know you're right. I emailed my T and i explained to her that honestly i want to get help that i'm just scared. Scared of failing, scared of myself and what it might mean, and i'm scared of labeling myself as having an eating disorder cause then it means i'm really sick and its not just all in my head. Didn't get much sleep last night, went to bed at 2am, and had some really messed up dreams about Eating Disorders. Also took a little too many laxative pills, i mean there was about 5hrs between the 2 sets but i don't think my tummy is to happy with me. So going to try and take it easy on it today, will start with some tea and see how my tummy feels before i attempt to eat anything. Feeling weird, had the strangest talk with my friend last night, laughed a lot it was funny and good, but also sad when i look back on the conversation cause it was not things we were supposed to be laughing about. But it was nice to laugh period. Tired don't want to go to class but i'm already up so might as well, and its only one class and it will help me decide what i want to write on for the assignment tomorrow and then i can come home and nap, or go to bed early. Either way i need to go to class and i've already done the reading so might as well right? Tomorrow is a different story considering skipping the whole day and then just coming for the gym but i know if won't get anything done if i stay home and time goes quicker when i'm at uni. Will hopefully get a response back from my T either today or tomorrow so it will be interesting to see what if anything she says/thinks.

Even more uncertainty....

I think that part of my being ambivalent has to do with the fact that i feel like I've dug myself in so deep that i don't see a way out and i don't know if i necessarily want a way out, at least not yet. For the first time in a while things are sort of in my control, and I've been able to hold to my routine for a really long time. The anxiety that arises out of trying to eat even a little bit more, (something as simple as adding breakfast into my schedule or another snack) is not something i can handle right now. The pills are like a get out a jail free card, its like if i eat too much then i always have a way out of it, a way to get rid of the feeling that eating = getting fat. The promise of being able to disappear is so appealing to me right now that i can't seem to find a way out, or the motivation to change anything despite the physical symptoms. The level of frustration I'm experiencing is more than normal, the slightest things ticking me off. One of the options that Dr. L proposed was to call T and enroll in the ED program, but of course that would mean more appointments and more disruption for my routine, and I'm not sure if it's really worth it when i'm only here till April 19th. The sense of failure in not being able to accomplish my goal i think is something that is driving or as you would say adding to the precipitating factors of my ED. Sometimes it does scare me how ambivalent i am about something that is well having such adverse effects on my health, but i think its partly because i don't really see an alternative. I've been through this cycle a few times where things get worse, then they get better and but eventually they get worse again. So whats or rather who is to say that if i do get help now, that things will stay better, there is no grantee that I'm not going to relapse. There is always that possibility (and yes i know this is very all or nothing thinking), but its sort of like why not stick with the ED for as long as i can if there is no guarantee that things will stay better once/if i get treatment. I think also this has become a sort of challenge or a game to me. Its sort of how long can you last, how long can you play this game until things get to a point where you can't handle it anymore, and i feel like if i stop now, if i stop playing this game then somehow i've failed myself. There is also the notion that despite everything that is going on in terms of the physical symptoms there is still this feeling that i'm not sick enough, that things aren't as bad, because like i said my BMI is normal and i'm pretty sure that i haven't lost any weight, and if i have not a drastic enough amount to really rouse concern from anyone. So its like as long as i'm still this weight then it means i don't have an ED because you can't be this weight and consider yourself to have an ED. i'm not sure if that makes any sense but that is where my thought pattern usually goes when i think of getting treatment, of getting out, and i guess that is the dominant thought pattern right now, and i'm not sure i can break free from it. I feel like the sides have merged, and its become really hard for me to discern which voice is which. I also know that an in-patient hospital program is not really an option i want to choose right now being in my last semester, there is too much at steak for me academically to even think about it....

Quick Update

Happy Valentines day to all my readers :)

My Therapist appointment went, fine talked about my being ambivalent and how that is because the ED voices are so strong. Talked about the precipitation factors of my ED and how it is basically a way to numb myself not to feel emotions and there could be other more healthy ways of going about it. It was strange, we were talking about the impact my ED had on me psychologically, emotionally, physically, socially and and academically, but i was sort of w/e about the whole thing. My therapist thinks that I'm minimizing things, -i.e when i said that i see this as having only been going for about a month maybe 2 now, she sees it as going on much longer- there's not much to say really, nothing changed it was a quick appointment, nothing new emerged from it. Have a week off from seeing her then i see her two weeks in a row. Drs appt. Friday, my T said i should ask if there are times when because of physical health people are put IP regardless of BMI, also if there are things that i wouldn't be able to notice ( warning signs that things are getting worse that aren't manifested physically) just so i have a better idea of what road i'm heading down.

Ambivalence

I am ambivalent right now, not sure if i want to get better or not. Choice is still mine. Keep cooking and baking but not eating very much at all. Took all 3 pills today for the first time in about a week, and i could feel the combined effect of them all. Tired, spent most of my day talking to a friend but didn't get much reading done. Tomorrow will be  a get up early day get as much done as possible go to bed early, cause i have a Therapist appt at 9.30 and i need to be fully awake for it. Feeling a bit meh and wondering if my ambivalence is because i'm scared to stop and think of the weight of my actions and if i do that i'll be too paralyzed by fear to really do anything. So for now i'm just surviving, pushing through sort of wondering when the day will come when i can't push through any longer. Lets hope it never comes......

Medical Update

Meeting went ok i guess, took longer than the usual 30mins appt, we spent like maybe an hr + talking her just trying to get a sense of where i am right now. I have three options 1.) continue out-patient stuff, seeing her my Dr, and my therapist 2.) inpatient hospital (4 weeks min), and 3.) continue out-patient with added appointments from an ED specialized out-patient program, I'd need to see a nutritionist and another therapist while still seeing my current team, right now everything is still my choice until my BMI is like 11 then i don't have a choice, but obviously my psychologist thinks i need to start getting better now rather than later, cause the longer i wait the harder it will be. Still haven't made any choices, but now I'm pretty sure that my T, psych and Dr. will always be on the same page now, as she's calling my T to let her know what the outcome of our meeting was. I'm not really scared anymore which is good cause i know I'm safe for a while in terms of not being put IP or anything, which is good, emm i have to continue seeing my Dr because my psych says she needs to monitor things like blood work and ECG because those are what will be the indicators of my symptoms getting worse. I think I'm going to wait till reading week to see if things improve or not before i make any major decisions. May cut down on the laxatives if nothing else. so friking overwhelmed right now but yeah, feeling a bit better and a little bit at ease than i was at the beginning of the week. Not sure if thats a good thing or bad thing.

Scared

Saw my therapist today and lets just say I'm left feeling a bit scared. Basically she is super worried about me and even though i said that i was going to be honest with my appt w/ my psychologist on wed, she still feels the need to talk to her, ( its not that she doesn't trust me), its more just she wants to convey her concerns i guess. shes worried about me and thinks that i might end up doing some serious damage to my body if i don't stop using the pills, stop puring and start eating better. She's going to talk to my psychologist, cause she is that worried about things, and basically she said that if i can't get better on my own i'll have to go to the hospital, like an ED program, and i mean the decision is still mine right now, but if i ever end up in the hospital for w/e reason like chest pains or something then i can say goodbye to my choice to not go IP. Want to crawl into a whole and just stop living right now, just want to disappear and yeah dunno, feeling a bit sad and scared right now. Not really sure what to do with myself, everything seems insignificant compared to this.

IP= Inpatient 

Simply Saturday

Next week is going to be super busy but i will be glad when it is finally over. It shouldn't be too bad i hope, my plan is to get as much of the reading done this weekend which will hopefully make things easier for the week but we'll see. Feeling a bit nervous/scared about the letter i wrote to my T, it was a spur of the moment decision, and i was so honest i don't know if i like that *sigh*... in other non depressing news lol, I'm also going to watch the super bowl, not a football fan ( more of a rugby and soccer fan)- but its a chance to chill with my friend J and hang out and eat unhealthy food, and we're making everything ourselves, its sort of become a tradition now lol. Maybe it will continue who knows, but it'd be cool if we made it an annual thing, this is the third year we've done it so we'll see. I really enjoy spending time with my friend J, when i'm having a crappy day she can make me feel soo much better, and she just i don't know, she knows a lot about me, about what happened when i was younger, and we hardly ever get into a fight at all lol. Shes the only one of my friends/roommates i spend a lot of time with lol, we plan our days around each others schedule so we can hang out together, go to the gym and even study together :)., so I'm excited for Sunday and just making stuff together and hanging out.

Series of Pictures found on Photobucket. Love their anime section, and these pictures speak to how i feel today...

sometimes i look at myself and think what happened, what changed between then and now, why did i change. What was so hard about being here, about coming to Canada that accelerated my depression. If we'd stayed where we were would i have felt better, would i have felt like i belonged or would i still feel like i was the misfit, like i didn't belong culture wise, or just in general. Half the things my friends care about or talk about i have no clue. I seem to live in this sheltered world that is full of pain and frustrating and anger. Sometimes i just want to disappear, seize to exist. I'm already invisible to everyone around me, so why can't i just shrink into nothingness, get to small that it becomes even easier for people not to notice me. I'm quiet, withdrawn and spend so much time alone, you get used to it being the youngest and you crave it, I'm not withdrawing into myself, i am already withdrawn, i am already quiet, i am already broken and no one and nothing can fix that. I was broken the day H & A left, i was broken when E left, i was broken when i spent my long weekends home form school w/o you, when i didn't see u during the holidays, i was broken when C decided to give up on herself and her life, i was broken when C tired to commit suicide and asked me to let her die. I was broken when L today me to let her go so she can commit suicide over a guy. I was broken when i saw C's current pictures of how anorexic  she is now, and how deluded she is in her quest to lose weight. I was broken when i saw someone in the gym that reminded me of her, and just how sick she was and how that could be one day if I'm not careful. It made me sad, made me want to cry right there and then but i held it together. I am broken and there is nothing that can fix me, years of fighting to be strong for others, to be there when they needed me, and now i can't be strong, i give up, i want out of this hell that is my life, I want to end it all. I wish i had the courage to go through with my SU plans. When i was in 1'st or 2'nd year i used to flirt with ways to commit SU, one of my favourites was to run a bath and then to see how long i could hold my breath under for, i know that's a painful way to die, but it was just a thought, i wouldn't OD cause the survival rate for that is too high, I'd probably slit my wrists if i wasn't such a wimp, wish i could go deep enough to require stitches, even if its just once you know? sorry for that string of depressing thoughts, i suppress it so long sometimes I'm unaware of how depressed i am.

TC my lovely readers, and special thanks to all those who comment. (I'm ok I'm safe so don't worry about me)

End of yet another week

So today was pretty dry and boring and long, classes were not interesting, i spent half my time confused,or doing other things. Wrote just over two pages worth of stuff to my therapist last night, and then handed it in to her office today, didn't think she was going to respond but she did, I'm going to see her on Monday at 3.30, its good timing cause I'll already be done classes and my group meeting so its like perfect timing. Kind of nervous thought cause i was brutally honest with how i was feeling. I don't remember all of what i wrote, but i told her about the purging and laxatives, about the diet pills, about the cutting being more anger driven than anxiety, about the increased physical symptoms like chest pains being a constant, feeling nauseous, and dizzy all the time. My body is just i don't know, reacting very negatively to what I'm doing to it and i have to take pills to help me sleep, and i know part of it the lack of sleeping has to do with having to take the dog out early, but I'm going to bed earlier and stuff but just not sleeping well. I only went to the gym once this week cause i didn't feel like going today, I'm to tired, and wed was a snow day. More than anything i think the frustrating thing or part is the irritation and short temper, I've been very moody and angry the last couple of days and i feel bad for the dog cause i think she takes the brunt of my anger when she's acting out. Of course shes oblivious to my bad mood and just does what puppies do lol, and my yelling at her doesn't make a difference. I want to cut and/or bang my head against a wall repeatedly, that's how restless and frustrated i am, i think part of it is not doing much if any hmwk tonight but i need a day off, I'm tired and frustrated and i don't know what to do. Going to make sure that i get enough sleep tonight and get reading done early tomorrow that's the key to start early, not turn the TV on and just read until i can't read anymore. Need to work on my presentation as well and finish that book. *sigh* so much to do so overwhelmed, so sad need/want an escape so bad.

Tired...

Body aches, heartburn and just generally tired and binged today. Joys of snow days... Heading off to bed now, will update my food log as its been a while and hopefully read another like 30pages so that i'm all caught up in another class and only have to worry about the other two... so much reading to do, not enough time and i have to change my therapist appointment tomorrow as well cause its right before the day i have my mid-term so yeah soo not cool at all. Ergg life pretty much sucks right now and i ended up cutting, just one cut on the wrist so not a big deal didn't even notice it when i was showering....

Thanks to everyone or anyone who reads and comments i really appreciate it *hugs*

 Rose- here is the link for the player http://www.playlist.com/user/login you'll need to create an account but its totally worth it. and its free.

Snow Day!!

Woke up at 7am to check cause my alarm went off to take the dog out, and school was closed yay... downside of that though is that i feel uber lazy and i don't get to exercise cause the gym will be closed and its not the best day to go out in, unless you absolutely have to.  Managed to get an estimation as to how many calories are in the baking i did yesterday and the day before and they are not bad, could be much worse i guess. Its all dried fruits, nuts and oats and healthy stuff non of it has any oil in it. Only one recipe has butter, and the only other unhealthy thing is the sugar, might reduce that next time or keep it as is not sure. But really don't want to eat anymore today, had two small muffins and a hot chocolate and its about lunch time but don't feel like being healthy and eating, problem is, I'm  getting headache and chest pains, and I'm lacking sleep and totally out of it. Wow can't believe its already Wed and that its only a week till my appt with my Psychologist, kind of scar who fast the time has gone. Only 2 more weeks till my reading week ( a whole week off of school will be nice). Need to figure out when the Job fair is, as i have to do to that. I think it might be this week that's coming. Busy Busy Busy..... sooo sooo tired though, need sleep. Definitely more sleep.. still want to cut but trying to put it off as long as possible.

Late Night Update

finished one book, so I'm sort of caught up in that class, looks like there might be a few more late nights for me this week, but better this week than next. Managed not to cut so far still hoping for a snow day but don't think that's going to happen. Need to get my things together and head to bed now, will update later today as its currently 1.22am over here.

Overwhelmingly Frustrating Tuesday

I'm so friking stressed out and so overwhelmed. Have to do so much reading this week, have an assignment next week due on wed, have an appointment right after the class that the assignment is due,  then a presentation on Thursday and a mid-term on Friday. FML was supposed to see my T next week but can't because it is right before class and its on the Friday of the mid-term and i need that time to do some last minute studying and preparation. I really want to cut, i'm not anxious at all just stressed and overwhelmed and i feel like cutting will make me feel better. Need to call my mom tonight and tell her that i can't come home this weekend as planned because i have too much to do next week and i need my weekend to prepare. I need to go to the library on Saturday at least and can't do that if i'm home and i need to get things done on Friday or even if its just online stuff. *sigh*. Think i might leave writing/researching for my post this week till tomorrow during my break, as it is easier for me to do it then. I'm sad, frustrated, tried, overwehlmed, and depressed what a combination. Just want to crawl up in a ball and cry and just not go anywhere for the next few days. *screams at the top of her lungs* wish i could do that in real life, but afraid my roommates won't a.) appreciate it and b.) will look at me strangely. That's it for now ,feel a bit better posting this but not by much.