Conversation

An ongoing conversation with a friend over facebook...

Me: do you ever get the feeling that if you could purge yourself of everything, life would be so much better?

C: for sure! wouldn't it though? such a shame we cant! how are you doing today? i just got up.. i needed the extra sleep :P

Me: me not so good, tired frustrated and trying to study. Have this urge to write, but nothing seems to be coming out, nothing seems to make sense. How do you put to words this strange feelings of purging yourself of life, of thought, the physical action itself manifesting itself in different ways, through different means? How do you explain that? is it even explainable? the feeling like there's something inside that needs to come out, the idea of impurity and the need to be pure again to be whole? As if somehow you are fragmented that life is fragmented? Its unexplainable...instead its just this yearning for something more, this unexplainable desire to leave this place, this image that's stuck in your head of death of what it would be like to feel that slow release of everything that you have come to know. To take away the pain from yourself to seize to exist and live in limbo even if it is for that moment only. But then it shatters, the illusion and you come back to the reality, to life to the pain and the understanding that its not possible, and it breaks your heart. Its like waking up from a dream world, its like that dream, those thoughts are impossible to act out. They are irreconcilable with reality, with what we know as truth. But how to break free, how to step aside or apart from ourselves to look on and realize what needs to be done? is it even possible? those are the streams of thoughts in my head.