Even more uncertainty....

I think that part of my being ambivalent has to do with the fact that i feel like I've dug myself in so deep that i don't see a way out and i don't know if i necessarily want a way out, at least not yet. For the first time in a while things are sort of in my control, and I've been able to hold to my routine for a really long time. The anxiety that arises out of trying to eat even a little bit more, (something as simple as adding breakfast into my schedule or another snack) is not something i can handle right now. The pills are like a get out a jail free card, its like if i eat too much then i always have a way out of it, a way to get rid of the feeling that eating = getting fat. The promise of being able to disappear is so appealing to me right now that i can't seem to find a way out, or the motivation to change anything despite the physical symptoms. The level of frustration I'm experiencing is more than normal, the slightest things ticking me off. One of the options that Dr. L proposed was to call T and enroll in the ED program, but of course that would mean more appointments and more disruption for my routine, and I'm not sure if it's really worth it when i'm only here till April 19th. The sense of failure in not being able to accomplish my goal i think is something that is driving or as you would say adding to the precipitating factors of my ED. Sometimes it does scare me how ambivalent i am about something that is well having such adverse effects on my health, but i think its partly because i don't really see an alternative. I've been through this cycle a few times where things get worse, then they get better and but eventually they get worse again. So whats or rather who is to say that if i do get help now, that things will stay better, there is no grantee that I'm not going to relapse. There is always that possibility (and yes i know this is very all or nothing thinking), but its sort of like why not stick with the ED for as long as i can if there is no guarantee that things will stay better once/if i get treatment. I think also this has become a sort of challenge or a game to me. Its sort of how long can you last, how long can you play this game until things get to a point where you can't handle it anymore, and i feel like if i stop now, if i stop playing this game then somehow i've failed myself. There is also the notion that despite everything that is going on in terms of the physical symptoms there is still this feeling that i'm not sick enough, that things aren't as bad, because like i said my BMI is normal and i'm pretty sure that i haven't lost any weight, and if i have not a drastic enough amount to really rouse concern from anyone. So its like as long as i'm still this weight then it means i don't have an ED because you can't be this weight and consider yourself to have an ED. i'm not sure if that makes any sense but that is where my thought pattern usually goes when i think of getting treatment, of getting out, and i guess that is the dominant thought pattern right now, and i'm not sure i can break free from it. I feel like the sides have merged, and its become really hard for me to discern which voice is which. I also know that an in-patient hospital program is not really an option i want to choose right now being in my last semester, there is too much at steak for me academically to even think about it....