Angry Rant

Things are kind of spiraling out of control, very much wrapped up in my ED and my anxiety is through the roof but refusing to acknowledge it. Instead allowing myself to find solace in organizing things in certain ways, weighing daily sometimes more than once, restricting and taking laxatives almost daily. My weight went up a couple lbs over the Easter Holiday was soo annoyed its back down to where i was at the beginning of the Year now, still need to lose more weight, feel fat and bloated and just disgusted with myself. Know i`m being illogical, know i'm being self-destructive but there's a part of me that doesn't care anymore because there is nothing to lose, no more academics being the maker of my health. Now i'm free to do w/e was pissed off cause it rained all day today and couldn't got for the walk with the dog like i wanted to so did sit-ups and push-ups instead to try and make up for it. Haven't eaten much and its nice to have the control back again. Hate feeling out of control and like i don't know/cant control what i put in my mouth. Brothers are gone so now, spending a lot of time on my own in my room or my parents room watching TV. Feeling rather apathetic. Have one appt with a new T booked for next week Wed, she has experience with ppl w/ eating disorders, and have another that i'm trying to book probably for the week after to see what she's like, again she also has experience. Used the national ED website to find the second one so i'm slightly more biased towards her and emailed her and got a response right away and her comments were nice, so kind of want to meet her and see what she's like. Had a miscommunication at the groomers so the bill was ridiculously high, mom is currently upset with me about the way the dog looks and having to spend money we don't have. I totally understand but i don't know how many times i have to say i'm sorry, not letting it go and sucks because the dogs current hair cut is a constant reminder of how much i screwed up. Already lacking confidence in myself and ability to be responsible and take things on, this just proves that i'm not. Mom doesn't believe that i told the groomer the right thing, even though i listed out what i wanted i think because it was me(look much younger than i am) she just did w/e she wanted. I can here her talking to my dad about it now, makes me want to crawl up in a ball and cry. Really feel broken right now, listening to Gunning by Hedley and that's how i feel right now. Wish i could seize to exist right now but unfortunately that's not possible. Also have scars on my wrist and i'm so used to them now that after a while i stopped noticing and my mom saw it over the Easter weekend and she asked me what those were and i just brushed it off but not sure if she believed me or not. Mom's the kind of person who keeps/accepts things the first time but keeps it in her mind forever and then when something happens she'll bring up that incident that you think she'd have forgotten about or something, but nope, its irritating because you can never ever forget past failures. *blahh*

 

Current Weight- 130.5

Goal Weight- 100

I will be 100 by the end of the summer i will loose 30lbs in 4mnths that's  reasonable and if i don't, well i don't know what i'm going to do. Its only like 7.5lbs/month which is totally doable right?