Signing offf

Hey my fellow bloggers though I've been reading blogs i haven't posted in a while and i think its because i feel like i'm not in the same place as everyone else on here. I think I'm just going to take some time off  here. I need to find myself to figure out who i am and what i want. I need to figure out if i want recovery or not. I need a break, I need to do something with my life and I'm not getting the feedback i need on here and i think it might be time to take some time off and see if I really need to be on here or if its triggering me and making me more depressed. If you need anything feel free to message me on here and it'll get forwarded to my email or if you want to keep in contact with me comment and i'll send you my email. Will miss you all *hugs*.

Fleeting Friday

So went for a 5km walk tonight took me 54mins i was happy with the time for sure did a bit of running with the dog during the walk but not for long period of time at all just like short 2mins bursts to help tire her out but i think it made me more tired Maybe sort of was running to make myself sick as well

So mom asked me to make her a cup of tea and upon giving it to her she commented about my neck and the fact that my bones were showing and i just laughed it off but she made me list off what i'd eaten today and how many times kind of fudged a little to make lunch sound better but i don't know why it made me happy and more motivated to do my floor exercises and took me less time than normal probably cause i took a couple of days off but yeah makes me feel good. Does this make me a bad person?

Took my sleeping pills already a little too early but 'm exhausted and don't want a repeat of last night.Want to buy a scale it was advertised for like $15 at one of the stores till quantities last but we already have one at home and April (T) already thinks that i weight to much and that having a scale/weighing daily is dangerous so we'll see if it works out i'll buy one if not I won't. I just want to have one in my room/bathroom so i can weigh whenever instead of only when my parents aren't in the room.

END ...

Irreperably Broken

I apologize in advance for the disrupted nature of this post, it was written at midnight and i was in a very bad state of mind and its long.

************************TRIGS SI/SU/ED****************************

As of today can safely say that there are two major things or triggers that are fueling my ED. The first is the sexual abuse that happened when i was younger, my reaction to it and subsequent actions and my refusal to deal with how its affected and/or affecting me right now. The second would be the recent termination of my first ever serious relationship and the feeling of being used. Both incidents lead me to feeling dirty, disgusting, used and unwanted. Both have had negative impacts in my life and i don't know how to talk about them or deal with them and keep myself safe. I know i don't want to carry this burden around with me forever. I don't want to be this way but whenever i look at myself at my body all i see is disgust. Despite my mom telling me that I'm too skinny, which i don't see it that way at all. Dr. L asked me what it'd take for me to give up my ED and the answer would be when i got to 100lbs my current goal weight.

I feel the weight of the world collapsing in upon me
the words choked in my throat unable to speak
stuck on constant replay images and thoughts float past.

The memories are everywhere.
Names, places, scents all trigger unwanted emotions, thoughts scenes and details replayed daily
stuck in my head analyzing details.
But all I'm left with is it's all my fault.

Told i was too young to understand.
Too young to really do anything.
So why do i feel so dirty?
so used, untouchable and damaged?

I am broken and irreplaceable.
Shattered to pieces never to be put back together
watch me drown in the sorrows that is my life.

I've been burdened with this secrete.
Burdened with images and thoughts. All i feel is pain and sorrow,
all i want is to end it all

My ED is my shield,
protecting me from emotions and pain ,
without it i am simply broken and used. With it I'm still broken and used but I'm SN
I'm ME with my ED I am human, somewhat whole

To tell you the truth i don't know what I'm doing with my life. Feels like i have no direction no plan and its just yeah. I'm completely lost and scared. At a loss for what to do, who to turn to because no one knows . Days are fine but nights sometimes i feel like I'm fighting to stay alive, fighting to stay safe and be okay. There are nights like tonight where i want to end it all I can't say the thought and feelings of hopelessness don't scare me but its keeping me alive right now and i guess that's what matters?Thoughts of slitting my wrists and/or drowning are back in my head.Love my parents but how do you tell them that their only daughter is slowly killing herself and she is broken beyond repair? Damaged goods so to speak. I am human, somewhat whole, but irreparably broken.

Nervous but better

I'm going much better than i was a few days ago nights are still very hard for me, my mood drops, i get depressed and suicidal, wanting to cut so yeah not good. But days are usually fine, been a bit spaced out today stopped at a traffic light that was green cause i thought it was a stop sign. Not good to be driving when i'm this spaced out. so yeah blahh. Tired not sleeping all that deep but getting better nights sleep. Will take my anxiety pills in the next couple of hrs to help with the nerves, only 2days till my T appt. Its 4.00pm on Wed so have to be out of the house by 3.30 cause i'm not familiar with the area at all so yeah have to make up some excuse as to what i'll be doing there, so we'll say meeting a friend just don't know if i'm going to give specifics. I'm tired and fighting ED but its winning right now and so tempted to just give in and collapse into its arms but am keeping to fight. Telling myself to just breathe and things will be ok but nerves are getting to me so have to up my anxiety meds from one a day to two. Was a mess when grades got released but took anxiety meds so it wasn't visible outside and hopefully that will be the same way on wed. Tips on how to releax on what to say how to bring things up anything is totally welcome and greatly appreicated. 

Thanks to all my readers and to those who comment as well big hugs for all :)

Offical Graduate + Sucky Saturday= Mood SN

So final grades got released yesterday i ended up with a 77.5 overall, but i got two 80's, one in my geography class and the other in my 4th year English class. I worked my ass of for the two of those classes so I'm pleased the others were mid 70's which is what i expected from them so not really disappointed with those grades esp as one of them is from a prof that's a hard marker and the other is not even in my field of study and the final exam was worth 50%. I'm super relieved and my final GPA for my last two years is a 75% or a 3.0 so a B which is generally how i've always done at school. I'm super tired and drained i think from all the anxiety and now my attention or anxiety has shifted from school marks being out more towards my appt on wed. and finding a Job. Most grad schools want a B+ average but i'm hoping that if i can get good references then i should be ok *crosses fingers* and my brother said if its a course based program they'll accept you cause they want to fill up as much space as possible so we'll see. Not applying till next year or the year after as i want to get a job gain some experience and just try and get as much money saved as possible and also to try and get myself better be in a better place to get things done. Sigh just sigh... will take anxiety meds tonight but can't take sleeping pills which means it won't be a good night at all, will try and read myself to sleep, reading three different books at once its quite a challenge but also enjoying.

Parents are pissing me off right now, just because i said one thing one fucking things and they are just going off on me about their childhood and how difficult it was for them  :roll: Pisses me off to no end. Almost was in tears but helped myself back wanted to yell at least you were happy you may have had to do more work, but you don't have to deal with depression with perfectionism with an ED, and you don't live in a world where one's image is everything you never have and never did.

Took my dog out yesterday for a bike ride, and things were going well until she saw a dog and flipped me over my bike and unto the floor scraped my right knee and left thigh even though i was wearing long pants, i was so mad at her so now the front of my bike is Jammed, like the front wheel won't turn which is sucky as i just got it fixed last summer and its probably going to cose mt $50-$100 to fix. So mad about that because i don't have the extra money to fix it.

neways other than that little incident things were ok, have to go see my uncle tomorrow and not happy about it at all. My dad is basically forcing me to go and i don't even know why but at least i can get out of eating hopefully *crosses fingers*. Keep going around in circles wish my brain could shut off but it doesn't and yeah, trying to make plans with friend for next week but i have to work around my appt date. Have to make sure to have the correct address and also print off directions ahead of time and just study it so i know where i'm going and make sure that i can get the car to go. That's my biggest concern really. I'm getting more nervous and such but that's what anxiety meds are for right? Will take the time on our way to my uncles place about going to schl on the 13'th of May and will see/make sure i can get a ride if not will have to figure out a way to get down by bus which is seeming harder and harder to do and more confusing every time i look at it so will have to ask dad and then plan from there. Hopefully he'll be going somewhere close and/or he won't mind dropping me off cause i can find my way back that's easier. Blahh yeah don't know what else to say so yeah.

Hope everyone is having a better weekend :1hug:

Scared

Saw my psychologist thinks i need to be on anxiety meds and that I'm starting to develop OCD, have to go back and see my Dr in 3 weeks and then i see her (psych) a month later. Seriously considering the medication so tired of dealing with anxiety all the time.

Parents mad at me cause i wasn't able to help them move out of my place due to the Appt. (they think it was with a prof) and I'm mad because they screwed my whole plan for the  day up. We were supposed to be there by 11.30 so i could help them but ended up not getting there till 1.20 a few mins before my 1.30 appt. Frustrating ... so yeah not fun/happy at all.

Super scared and worried in bed typing this crawled up in a little ball. Got more Ativan so won't have to worry about running out.

FUCK!!!!!

Caved ate dinner, was laughing at the dog cause she was being cute and funny,but was also crying cause i was eating and  i didn't want to but knew i needed to. Want to purge but will take laxatives instead they are better than purging less immediate strain on my heart. Tired, frustrated, sad and want to crawl up in a ball and cry right now. Head is screaming at me saying you're a fuking failure for eating, F.A.I.L.E.D.... but yeah blahhh don't know anymore, fucking give up on everything will just try and not eat at all or very little tomorrow. Really want to take the new blade in my moms room, well one of the many in the pack and just cut myself, just cut on my hips get the release from this hell that i'm going through. Restricting is no longer enough feel like running up and getting one putting it in my room and just doing it. Sigh i don't know will try and keep myself safe tonight, seeing my psychologist tomorrow. Will keep taking deep breaths and do more crunches and push ups