Simply Saturday

Next week is going to be super busy but i will be glad when it is finally over. It shouldn't be too bad i hope, my plan is to get as much of the reading done this weekend which will hopefully make things easier for the week but we'll see. Feeling a bit nervous/scared about the letter i wrote to my T, it was a spur of the moment decision, and i was so honest i don't know if i like that *sigh*... in other non depressing news lol, I'm also going to watch the super bowl, not a football fan ( more of a rugby and soccer fan)- but its a chance to chill with my friend J and hang out and eat unhealthy food, and we're making everything ourselves, its sort of become a tradition now lol. Maybe it will continue who knows, but it'd be cool if we made it an annual thing, this is the third year we've done it so we'll see. I really enjoy spending time with my friend J, when i'm having a crappy day she can make me feel soo much better, and she just i don't know, she knows a lot about me, about what happened when i was younger, and we hardly ever get into a fight at all lol. Shes the only one of my friends/roommates i spend a lot of time with lol, we plan our days around each others schedule so we can hang out together, go to the gym and even study together :)., so I'm excited for Sunday and just making stuff together and hanging out.

Series of Pictures found on Photobucket. Love their anime section, and these pictures speak to how i feel today...

sometimes i look at myself and think what happened, what changed between then and now, why did i change. What was so hard about being here, about coming to Canada that accelerated my depression. If we'd stayed where we were would i have felt better, would i have felt like i belonged or would i still feel like i was the misfit, like i didn't belong culture wise, or just in general. Half the things my friends care about or talk about i have no clue. I seem to live in this sheltered world that is full of pain and frustrating and anger. Sometimes i just want to disappear, seize to exist. I'm already invisible to everyone around me, so why can't i just shrink into nothingness, get to small that it becomes even easier for people not to notice me. I'm quiet, withdrawn and spend so much time alone, you get used to it being the youngest and you crave it, I'm not withdrawing into myself, i am already withdrawn, i am already quiet, i am already broken and no one and nothing can fix that. I was broken the day H & A left, i was broken when E left, i was broken when i spent my long weekends home form school w/o you, when i didn't see u during the holidays, i was broken when C decided to give up on herself and her life, i was broken when C tired to commit suicide and asked me to let her die. I was broken when L today me to let her go so she can commit suicide over a guy. I was broken when i saw C's current pictures of how anorexic  she is now, and how deluded she is in her quest to lose weight. I was broken when i saw someone in the gym that reminded me of her, and just how sick she was and how that could be one day if I'm not careful. It made me sad, made me want to cry right there and then but i held it together. I am broken and there is nothing that can fix me, years of fighting to be strong for others, to be there when they needed me, and now i can't be strong, i give up, i want out of this hell that is my life, I want to end it all. I wish i had the courage to go through with my SU plans. When i was in 1'st or 2'nd year i used to flirt with ways to commit SU, one of my favourites was to run a bath and then to see how long i could hold my breath under for, i know that's a painful way to die, but it was just a thought, i wouldn't OD cause the survival rate for that is too high, I'd probably slit my wrists if i wasn't such a wimp, wish i could go deep enough to require stitches, even if its just once you know? sorry for that string of depressing thoughts, i suppress it so long sometimes I'm unaware of how depressed i am.

TC my lovely readers, and special thanks to all those who comment. (I'm ok I'm safe so don't worry about me)